Imperfect Silence
by Elven-English-Major
Summary: Erestor's pain and the eventual solution thereof. Warning: Two men with love, VERY angsty at times.
1. The Prologue

**I have no idea. I'm at a party. It sucks. I wrote this while waiting for it to end. Tolkien owns stuff. Try and enjoy. **

And for a moment, just a moment it was silent.

Erestor looked down at the gleaming blade, a simple letter opener a moment later...and now...now his weapon of justice, the release of shame, the release of his own perfections, and for a moment the invading force of his shouting mind was silenced.

As he watched the blood drip down his arm, gazing in his delicious silence at the wounds that lay underneath the constant river, the wounds he'd made himself he felt...relaxed. Calm. Gentle. Peace. Life was good...and then, through the door, he heard Maelpomen's frantic knocking... "Master Erestor!" he called out and Erestor sighed...the world would never leave him alone...not even the blade could keep the voices and his imperfections at bay. Not even the blade.

"A moment if you please Maelpomen. A moment" he called out and prepared to face the world and his own failings once again.


	2. Punishment

**WELL HELLO THERE GENTLE READERS :D I am BACK! And I apologize for the tone of mah first chapter to this one BUT. It is a good idea :D A few warnings...Yes...yes our dear Erestor is very, very, VERY sad and ANGSTY in this one. Also please please please please please if you are triggered by self harm get yourself safe and calm before reading this...because Erestor is an avid self harmer and I do NOT want anyone hurt because of me. So please. make yourselves safe-I'm recovering so if you need to talk shout out to me :) elven_english_ :) :) TOLKIEN OWNS STUFF. WOO. Also I'm fairly sure I got Mel's name spelt right but if I didn't...OOPS. Sorry! I OWN NOTHING.(Except spelling/grammar errors...which I apologize for) NOT EVEN MONEY. SO DON'T SUE. 'Cos these elves-aren't mine! Hmm what else? Um ...yeah, angsty/self harmy (that will get better in the next chapter) OH! ALSO! If the ending upsets you/pisses you guys off TRUST me there's a reason for it m'kay? SO rant and rave, get mad go nuts-but honest, it's not gonna last for long and I have reasons... ENJOY!**

"Master I have the reports from the borders of the troll woods" Maelpomen's voice rang out as he all but danced across the floor, to his desk.

Erestor wiped his hand once quickly on his black robe hidden underneath the desk and with a flick of his wrist, brought the baggy sleeve back over his blood stained arm and hand, hiding the letter opener in the folds of the robe in his lap all in less than a second, all in one smooth motion. He held out the same hand to receive the papers from the scribe, taking a perverse sort of pleasure in the fact that nothing showed, nothing anyone would ever know. "Thank you" he said tersely.

He picked up his quill and turned his brown eyes back to his work, though after a moment he became aware of Maelpomen standing in front of him, shuffling his feet, as if he was trying to get his attention. "Yes?" he asked quietly.

"Well, I was wondering if I could have the day off...to..." he trailed off nervously, as if he was afraid of Erestor's response.

Erestor looked up and creased his brows together "why?" he asked, in the cold, flat tone he seemed to have inherently in the whole of his every day speech.

"To..um...prepare...for the...well you know, the um...the feast" the scribe replied carefully, doing his best (and failing) to mask the look of confusion on his face and in his eyes.

Erestor saw the look and all but flinched, he had seen this look on the faces of each and every one of the scribes faces at one point or another. On all of the warriors, most of the junior advisors, most of everyone actually. It reminded him of his subversive, backwards, wrongness, his total un-elvishness, his complete lack of normality. "Of course, go ahead" he said at last, a soft frown tugging on his lips.

He turned his eyes back to his work but he opened his mouth to wish Maelpomen a good time, but the young scribe had took off running as soon as the last syllable had left his lips. "of course you would run, why would you stay? I would hardly, never, not a chance care about your time, I would never want to make you happy or wish you a good time" he murmured to himself, rolled his shoulders, clenched his jaw and threw himself back into his work.

Hours ticked by and each time Erestor began to drift or lose focus of his work he flicked his wounds, picked a scab, scratched his chest with all violence. Berating himself for not having the fortitude for his job, couldn't he focus for more than an hour at a time? What kind of chief councillor was he that he wanted away from his work? That he couldn't focus for an appropriate amount of time.

Flipping to a new letter after this last drift of focus his head snapped back up and his eyes flew open as he heard voices in the hall, drunken voices? He glanced out the window and realized that the first of several feasts was well underway.

Because this was only the first of a series of feasts, and he had already seen to greeting and accommodating the few guests that had arrived he had the luxury of trying to pretend to be good enough at his job.

Gulping he shook himself from his musings because the voices drew closer, ever closer. He leapt to his feet, not wanting his lack of work ethic to be visible to a pair or more of drunken warriors, local or otherwise.

` He crossed the library in four steps and grasped the heavy iron handle, pausing to glance at the Loth Lorien soldiers before he closed the doors sharply.

He released as sigh as he once again felt safe and paused to rest his forehead against the door, revelling in the adrenaline that seemed to course new energy through his ever exhausted more than worthless veins. But held his breath as he heard the voices, that also seemed to have given pause right outside the door.

"Cold as ice mellon nin" one said to the other

"Gods forbid anyone touch his books" the other replied with a laugh

"That's all anyone would want to touch" the first returned laughing even more.

His friend managed in peals of laughter as they started to move off again "Lest you get frostbite down below!"

Erestor sighed and looked at his ink stained hands. It was a repeated narrative, one that he had heard, seen and felt multiple times before. Something he had even perpetuated himself. To be cold meant no one could get close enough, to be icy was to be safe and respected. To be hardened and frozen meant that no one would ever see his flaws. Ice was cracked, cracked by the water that roiled and bubbled underneath , everything inside the ice destroyed its surface, but it glimmered and shone, it was so burning cold that no one ever got close enough to see the disgusting. But sometimes...dear sweet Elebreth it hurt to be so cold, so alone, all the time.

"Fool " he snarled out loud grabbing a handful of his hair and yanking sharply "Get back to your work you unworthy, no one would EVER give you love, because you do NOT need it. Now go and marry yourself to your books" he growled at himself.

When tears sprung unbidden to his eyes from the hair pulling and the emotional anguish, he brandished his damaged arm and drew his nails hard across the flesh "Cease, desist" he ordered himself as blood welled new across his already bloody arm and dripped down his wrist.

"Leave the simpering to the morons who have need of it" he growled and with a short sharp tug of his sleeve down over his wounds, revelling quietly in the way the warm blood seeped against his sleeve and his skin.

With a quiet, disassociated peace he sat down, straightened his back and set himself in redoubled earnest to his work.

He had been working for no more than 10 minutes when he suddenly felt very much as if h e was being watched. He raised his head and narrowed his eyes. He may have been a councillor and he may be the worst councillor and most disgusting twisted form of elf on Arda, but he was still physically an elf.

He inhaled deeply and lifted a brow, repressing the welling terror in his heart he followed the raspberry jam scent and pulled open one of the cupboards in the bottom of a cabinet he used for storing maps-noting that he didn't have to tug against the restraint, that the door was almost half open-and peered inside.

There were several long, slow, agonizing moments during which grey eyes met solid brown when finally the intruder spoke first. "Why were you bleeding 'Ress?" and little Estel's voice near broke with worry and fear as he asked.

Erestor's brown eyes flew wide open and he sat down, hard on the floor. "Ble...Bl..Bleeding?" he stuttered out.

Estel climbed out of the cupboard and with the innocenc of a child, reached out and took his arm, pushing his sleeve up he ran little fingers over the dried blood on his snow white skin. "You got mad and then you pulled your hair and made your arm bleed...why?"he asked in the rambling way so dear in worried children.

And as much as it was painful, hurtful, and upsetting to be discovered by a child...it was a turning point for Erestor. The discovery that would save his life and deliver him to the discovery of joy, of true happiness.


	3. Discovery

**Hey thar. Not much to say really, business first as always, Erestor is SORT of angsty but getting better :) the sky is not purple currently it's grey, I own NOTHING. Timelines are all**** sorts of fucked up and screwed, and frankly, I don't care **** it's A/U ****I also just realized that Yes, Celebrian is missing…we love her, in her own place…but in here I want to go completely off-script and say that her marriage to Elrond was broken when she ****left, because while her leaving hurt him and their children they all want Elrond to be happy so he's always been free to seek other people **** ENJOY!**

It took Erestor long moments to recover, blinking rapidly he tried desperately not to let his tears fall. He gulped thickly past the tears and the thick wad of emotion lodged in his throat. "I…w..wh…y..you?" he gulped.

"Do you need Ada?" Estel asked as he pressed a rumpled handkerchief to a small seeping wound to the base of his tutor's wrist.

Feeling Estel's warm hands on his cold flesh snapped him back to reality and he gently pushed the young boy off him and fixed his sleeves. Picking the little boy up he settled him in his lap and turned his body to lean against the cabinet behind him. "I do not need your Ada penneth" he said quietly.

"Oh…ok.." Estel replied, as if he was not quite convinced. He shifted in Erestor's lap and looked up at him expectantly.

"But….why?" he asked, in his quiet little voice, eyes begging to be told the truth.

"Well…" Erestor frowned as he tried to carefully sort through his thoughts, to find an accurate way to explain.

"Were you sad?" Estel asked quietly.

"In a very extreme sort of way, yes" Erestor explained.

Taking a deep breath, and letting it out very slowly, he nodded once and drew himself up, rolling his shoulders, he looked Estel in the eyes and took on his gentle but serious teaching-tone. "Sometimes, when a person is very sad, or very angry at himself, he must do something to make it visible, because it becomes too large and roiling to keep within his heart" he began

"Like drawing a picture?" Estel asked.

"Yes, but there are times when drawing a picture is not enough, when the sadness or the anger is nigh on overwhelming. When this sadness brings pain and confusion, then comes fear which brings with it more pain, and yet more confusion and sadness. It turns around and around in a person's mind, creating a sense of inescapability. The sadness is not created by others, but by the elf himself, and so it continues" Erestor broke off, to give the little boy a chance to take in his words.

Estel was quite literally chewing on the problem, his bottom lip in his teeth he worked it over "So…" he said at last, lifting wide grey eyes.

"The inside of your mind hurts your heart, and then your heart gets so hurt that you don't wanna get hurt anymore inside your heart so you hurt your arm?" Estel asked, always surprising Erestor with his sharp mind, his ability to grasp complicated concepts and make them simplistic due in no small part no doubt, to his heritage.

"That is a good way of understanding it" the elven councilor said, slowly.

"Oh…well…how do you make your heart stop hurting?" Estel asked quietly.

A deep voice intruded then, on their conversation, coming from a source neither had expected "That would depend on what kind of hurt, a person's heart is doing" Elrond's beautiful voice laced over the room.

Sheer terror filled Erestor from top to bottom. His eyes felt like they were burning, his hands were made of ice, he couldn't feel his ears, his heart felt too big, his vision swam and Estel seemed like he was a million miles away.

"Oh, I just heard some people at the party talkin' about heart pains, and stuff and I was asking 'Restor what that means." Estel said, after just a heartbeat.

"I see" Elrond said and bent over to scoop his son from the advisor's lap.

Erestor was still in shock, he could feel Elrond's eyes on him, but he only managed to force a smile to his lips with a nod of his head. Though he still couldn't feel his body.

He was remotely aware of Elrond looking at him strangely but Estel garnered his father's attention by saying loudly "I don't never wanna be in love Ada, it sounds like a bunch of silly"

Erestor cleared his throat and in a sort of almost automated tone he said "You do not EVER WANT TO be in love." He corrected his student.

Elrond laughed loudly as Estel pulled a face "yeah yeah" he said and he hugged his father as the half-elf lord spun to properly face his advisor, with Estel on his hip.

"I was worried for a moment there" Elrond said with his warm smile, his sparkling eyes twinkled as he reached out a free hand to pull him to his feet.

The councilor gulped thickly and took his hand, getting to his feet "well it has been a rather long night" he said softly.

"Indeed…I was actually coming here to see if you were still slaving away" the lord replied neatly.

"Well…." Erestor had no reply he just shrugged one shoulder. Elrond still had his hand and it was damn near impossible to think.

"You really should not corral yourself in here all the time Erestor, it really is not healthy. You organized everything that I have seen this night-it is beautiful, even for the small feast that it is. It is beautiful-and yet you insist on not attending, not seeing the fruits of your labours." Elrond said, it was a lecture that Erestor had heard at least six times since his inception in Imladris.

"But the more I get done the more I will be able to enjoy later" Erestor threw out, passively as he moved away, taking back his hand to retake his seat at his desk.

"You say that each time mellon nin" Elrond said, pausing to look at the beautiful, darkling as he sat, quill in hand. The delicate grip he had on the instrument was enough to distract the elf lord, but of course Erestor would only be furious to know.

"Well perhaps one day it will be true" Erestor said, sweeping his head to the side he peered at Elrond through his dark hair.

"Perhaps" Elrond said softly, and for half a second he thought that he saw something in Erestor's eyes, but then the cold, calm look came back over his snow-white face and Elrond sighed.

"It is time for little boys to be in bed I think" he said after the smallest second of melancholy.

Estel groaned "But the party!" he whined

"There will be others, at more reasonable hours. Now say goodnight to Master Erestor" Elrond chastised lightly.

"Aaaw, night night 'Restor" Estel said holding out his arms, Erestor rose fluidly, damn near causing a groan to rise from Elrond's throat. The councilor hugged the little boy and they shared half a moment as their eyes locked neatly together.

Estel felt a thrill of joy run along his spine, he was sharing a very large secret with Erestor, only he knew. He also knew without knowing how he knew, that this was a secret that he could never share with anyone else. "I will see you tomorrow, penneth, as your lessons do not stop for company" the elder said with the tiniest brush of fingertips along Estel's cheek.

"Bleh" Estel said and Elrond couldn't help but laugh as he bowed his head to his friend and slipped out of the room.

"What were you talking with Erestor about?" He asked his son, sternly, feeling as if there was much more to the situation then either was saying.

"I told you Ada, about love and stuff…broken hearts that's all…why don't you believe me?" Estel asked quietly, big eyes wider than ever.

Which only served to make Elrond more suspicious, though he said nothing. "I do penneth nin. I love you, and I believe you" he repeated quietly, soothing his head full of dark curls.

He carried his youngest to his bedroom and set his feet on the floor, "But if there was something that you were…" he was broken off by Estel looking at him, very sharply.

"Ok Ada" he said and then set his jaw.

"I will. I would. If I had something." He said with his lips pressed together as he tugged off his clothes.

Elrond sighed and let the subject drop as he helped him into his night shirt, he knew as a father that half of Estel's attitude was from being forced away from the celebrations.

"I love you penneth" he said quietly as he helped the youngling into his bed. He tucked him in and sat gracefully on the side of his bed.

"I love you too Ada" he said quietly, feeling sort of sleepy in spite of his protests.

"I will come to get you for breakfast my beautiful son." Elrond said taking his hand and holding it briefly.

"Ok, Ada. Night night" he said, and rolled over, closing his eyes, his young mind began to mull over the problems…Erestor had never taught him how to help someone heal the heart pain, but hurting himself seemed to make Erestor better…but he was only better if he was hurt…and he hurt himself, because he wanted to be better.. But pain always felt bad to Estel….he fell asleep faster than he could have ever thought possible, desperate to understand, at a place in his life he couldn't.

Elrond stayed with him and sighed once more, stroking Estel's back and arms idly, mind caught up on the image in his mind of Erestor's graceful form. His long, silky hair, his snow-white skin, the advisor was so strong, so intelligent, so capable and yet he always seemed so far away, so disconnected, and no matter what Elrond did, the advisor never seemed to accept much of anything, always pushing himself further away.

He frowned as something wet and sticky came into contact with his fingertips. Glancing down he looked at his hand and a tiny drop of half coagulated blood stuck there. As gently as he could, he pulled Estel's arm further towards him and saw a smear of blood very small. His years of experience told him it was transfer, from someone else's wound.

He stroked two fingers down on either side of the 'wound', and discovered something that Estel had hidden from him while changing, his rumpled white handkerchief. Stained with blood. In five or six neatly blotted lines. He frowned heavily and bit his bottom lip. What in the name of Mordor…was this?


	4. Estel

**Hey everyone! I'm BACK **** OMG. So here all I will say is that everything will continue to be strangely alternate universey as we have all come to expect from me. Time lines and reality is super screwed up so if you have problems with that I'm really sorry. This chapter features more Estel and some prep for Elrond's discovery ()_() OH NO! I own NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! EXCEPT A DOG...NO ELVES AT ALL. Yep. Tolkien owns 'em. Ok. So...shout outs: **

**midnight13731: I have updated as of when you're reading this...enjoy :D**

**iluvaikka: Here's an update for ya...and yes, yes it is an Elrond and Erestor story :D We will get to see super lots of them in the chapter AFTER this one **

**britewing: No, he could only ever be irritated with Estel, never mad **

**kura-wolfgoddess: Thank you so much for reading it! **** I'm really glad you're enjoying it, Elrond comes in super tonnes in the chapter after this one so something to look forward to. **

**Ana: Oooh! Thank you, as I was typing it I couldn't exactly remember WHERE all those vowels go. ()_() There's just so many! **** Also...yes..yes 'Restor is in for it! ()_()**

**Gord and V: Descriptions of what exactly? I can definitely try-as I have in these updates...Thank you so much for your review! Hope you enjoy the update!**

**RebeccaSeverusSnape: Thank you so much! I"m glad you like it...Estel is just too cute as a kid, and if you abandon plot lines...it's kinda fun to have him there for random stuff **

**ANYWAYS. ENJOY!**

The problem ate endlessly at Elrond's mind. There were so many questions needed answers. The most important of course was where had the blood come from?

So encompassing was his confused and worried thoughts that he doesn't even notice when Glorfindel floundered in with a small handful of reports from his men. "My lord?" the warriors voice finally broke through his far away thoughts.

"Hmm?" Grey eyes looked up and met blue and Elrond nearly leapt out of h is chair with shock.

"By Eru Glorfindel what are you doing in here?" He demanded in a voice rocked with anger and irritation, he agitatedly brushed a loose strand of hair from his face, as he glared at his Seneschal.

Unphased, Glorfindel offered a merry smile. "I am deeply sorry for knocking four times and upon receiving no answer, sticking my head in to ensure you were alive. I'm also sorry for when seeing you were staring worriedly out the window for approaching you. I am further sorry for tapping your shoulder and calling your name and title. Finally, I am ultimately sorry for bringing your attention back to the world and scaring you half to your death" Glorfindel babbled, sort of plopping himself on one corner of Elrond's large, well used desk.

"Thank you Glorfindel. What can I do for you?" Elrond all but growled.

"Well if that is how you are going to be, then perhaps I shall never do my job to it's fullest faculties" Glorfindel said, flourishing his handful of reports. Though his brow furrowed in confused, minute worry for his Lords odd behaviour.

Elrond shook his head and forced a small, worried smile. "Forgive me" he said quietly.

"Of course, is everything alright?" Glorfindel asked quietly as he handed over the reports, suddenly much more concerned than he had been a moment ago.

"Yes, Glorfindel, just distracted." he said softly.

"Alright, well..." The blonde trailed off as he got up and made as if to leave, though he wasn't totally convinced, it spoke volumes of his knowledge of Lord Elrond, when the brunette spoke again.

"Were you with Estel, at any time yesterday?" he asked gently, titling his head slightly as the soldier turned to look at him.

"Hmm..." he said, frowning slightly. "Well, for a little while early yesterday afternoon, he wanted to train with us, but I was training some of the older cadets on some advanced manoeuvres and they were too dangerous for him to be around, so I sent him to train separately with his brothers-After that? I didn't see him until the feast...Surely he is not missing?" Glorfindel asked quickly, already on high alert.

"No, no, he was just sporting a strange wound last night and I am trying to find out where it may have come from" the elf Lord said, only half lying.

"Oh...would you like me to ask my men if they know anything? Perhaps Estel tried to mimic something they were learning..." He asked, worriedly.

"Hmm, yes please, that would be very helpful. Thank-you Glorfindel." he said, in a tone that spoke only of dismissal.

Glorfindel nodded and left quickly, allowing Elrond to descend once again into his worry, irritation and confusion.

Erestor for his part spent the rest of his night soaked in his own worry and terror, how much did Elrond suspect? What exactly, if anything did Estel tell his father? What now would Elrond think of him, as a councillor, for sitting idle on the floor with a child when so much work and translating waited for him at a perfectly useable desk?

He worked late in the library, desperate to get away, even briefly, from his pain and worry.

The sun rose over the small cherry wood desk he chose to work at, summoning him to his actual office. He finally stood-after several straight hours at work-he had run out of reports and inventories at about 2 am, letters and requests by 2.30, after that he worked on translating poetry and old mythologies for human allies and for Estel's future.

Now he rose to his feet and almost immediately collapsed. His right foot gave out under him and he gasped and clapped his eyes shut and ground his jaw, apparently he had been sitting too long.

Reaching out, he took his socked foot in hand and began to massage ever so slightly. Closing his eyes he let out a sigh as feeling began to increase. He froze when the door opened and held his breath as it closed hoping he was hidden completely from the ridiculously early morning visitor.

He let out a soft sigh of relief, as the tiny unaccompanied footsteps indicated to him that it was only Estel.

"Master Erestor?" Estel called out in his most grown up voice.

"Estel?" Erestor called back quietly.

"Erestor? 'Restor? Why are you on the ground?" he asked, once he came around the corner and saw him he flew to his side on his knees.

At first glance his young face was soft and eager to see him. But when he assessed the situation and came to realize his tutor was sprawled on the ground, worry flew deep into every section of his face, glittering deeply in the eyes.

He climbed up so his eyes were on the same level and rested one of his little hand son Erestor's knee, the other on his chest, and he looked deeply into Erestor's eyes. "Did you bleed too much?" he asked in the earnest way of children.

"No, no penneth, I simply sat too long" he said softly, breaking off in shame.

"Oooh, the pins and needles-I hate that" Estel said, smiling softly, though he thrummed with worry still.

"Indeed" Erestor replied quietly, too pained to go further then that-Estel was so young to be burdened with this sort of worry and pain. He could not understand entirely why Erestor did such things and the fear and confusion would only eat at him. It also put him more at risk for repeating Erestor's behaviours if in the awkwardness of his youth he ever came to a place where he doubted himself, he may come to do the same thing if no-one else taught him otherwise.

"'Restor?" Estel brought him back to his senses.

"Forgive me, Estel. For everything" he said softly, doing his utmost to keep the anguish from his voice, his face, everything.

"But there's nothing to forgive!" Estel cried out, frustrated.

He leaned forward and cupped his tutor's cheek in both hands, forcing bloodshot brown eyes to stare into fiercely determined, deeply loving grey. "I love you Erestor, and you are hurting. Lots and lots. No one else can see that and I know why. Everyone things you're boring and mean. You don't act and talk the same way that other elves do. You don't like messy rooms, and you don't like dirty clothes, you hate to leave reports not done because it makes your desk messy. You're smaller then lots of other sleves your age. You're smarter then other elves and older too. You don't like to drink at night, you don't spend time with other elves unless Ada makes you. You ccan't get the ink off your hands and your hair is always pulled tightly out of your eyes." he babbled onwards.

"All of these things don't matter" Estel said sharply, dropping his hands, he took a deep breath and fought for his thoughts again.

"They make you a different elf. But I think that few other people can even see that that's ok. They don't see your neatness as good, something that makes you work better or whatever, they see a shiny desk with no papers on it and think about silly Erestor who has no friends but his quill and books. They don't realize that you don't have to waste time looking for a lost paper like 'Findel, you aren't late to meetings 'cos you always know where everything is. You are always clean which must mean that you never have any fun. They don't seem to realize that you have to always look stronger and more...put together then Ada even, because lots of people h ave to respect you, and people make fun of people with dirty clothes and messy hair. They see the ink on your hands and think about how you work too much. But no-one has any idea at all how much you have to do to make sure Ada does well in his work. You're smaller because you denote nights and days on end working-sometimes you forget to come eat with us. And you spend a lot of time going to get reports from people and bringing them to people-which is a lot of walking for someone who deosn't eat a lot. And I think that lots of people are scared and mad when someone is better at stuff...everything, then they are. So they just don't try to be friends" Estel broke off yet again. This time with determination and finality. A tiny smile on his lips and hope in his eyes.

Erestor was speechless, he knew Estel was a very bright young man-and the Númenor in him had always been exceedingly strong, but for someone to be so observant, so inciteful at such a young age was...almost beyond belief. This little boy saw and noted things that no others-no adult elves that he knew at least-had seemed to see or note. If this was Estel in his youth, then ERestor had no doubt that he would make a king of kings. The finest, the fairest and the most capable. He came back to reality at Estel's voice, once again.

"And I know that you will not be able to just feel better because of what I'm saying to you, but I'm just telling you that you don't have to feel bad at all for me finding out. I thought a lot about it...but I love you 'Restor, and I won't stop[ you from doing what you have to bleed and stuff, but I'd rather have you alive and damaged, then dead because your heart wouldn't take the pain anymore" Estel said, honestly.

Erestor gulped thickly, past the tears in his eyes and the lump in his throat. Then looked down as Estel uncurled the elf's icy fingers and pressed a small round stone into his palm. It was round and green flecked with red and black. It's polished surface was warm and wet from Estel's sweaty grip. "Why..." he began but Estel just grinned.

"'Dan gave it to me when he promised me he wouldn't put slugs in my bed anymore" Estel said, a tiny smile touched his childish pink lips.

Erestor couldn't help but smile as he remembered the incident that Estel spoke of his older brothers thought pranks were the finest things in the world including putting various insects and small mammals in their baby brother's bed.

It spoke volumes of tiny Estel's character when he had finally had enough and thrown a fit, not because the pranks had bothered him at all, but when he had accidentally killed a slug under his pillow, the useless death for the twins' sillyness infuriated him-so he had told his father and put a stop to it all.

"And now I want to give this to you, to promise YOU that I will never tell your secret" the little boy finished and pressed an innocent kiss to Erestor's cheek.

Erestor opened his mouth, but once again their conversation was interrupted. "Estel" Elrohir's voice.

"Are you in here?" Elladan's.

Both elders came around the corner but not before Estel curled Erestor's fingers around the stone, hiding it from sight.

"Yep" he replied, looking up at them with his usual warm grin.

"Elebreth, Erestor, are you actually sleeping in the library now?"Elladan asked as they saw him lying beside Estel.

"Oh yes, very comfortable" he retorted quietly.

Elrohir snorted "Well don't get lost down there. I would hate to have to dig you out" he said, solemnly.

"Dig me out? From what?" Erestor asked, confused.

Elladan howled with laughter as he spoke "From the rubble of the party we'll hold in here to celebrate"

"He means mourn" Elrohir put in with mock solemnity.

"Your loss" Elladan finished, scooping up his little brother and offering a hand to his tutor.

Erestor rolled his eyes and allowed himself-not for the first time in 24 hours-to be pulled to his feet by one of his esteemed lords.

"Why are you being mean?" Estel demanded as he pushed away from his brothers, sullenly.

"We're only kidding Estel" Elrohir said, brows furrowing in confusion at his little brother's abnormal aversion to their banter.

"It's just ribbing penneth-Erestor knows it" Elladan added in-their father had said the little boy was acting a little odd.

"'Tis nothing penneth nin-think little on it" he assured the young boy, winking ever so slightly to add weight to what he was saying.

"Oh...well...it's still mean" the little human said, arms crossed across his chest.

The twins shook their heads in unison "well, at any rate-we need to get you off to breakfast little peace-maker. Than to Glorfindel, and back here to this mustly old library for lessons with Erestor." They said, threading their words back and forth between them-a system, difficult to understand for anyone but close friends and family.

"But people are coming to visit us! Why do I have to train and do lessons? I wanna see the people! Grandma and Grandpa are coming soon, they might even be here today!" Little Estel complained.

Erestor smiled as he tidied up his books and inks and quills-the things he had been using that night. Estel may have been VERY intelligent, observant and inciteful, but he was undeniably still a child.

"I do not know penneth nin, personally, I think it is silly to waste such a day on learning, but apparently it is very important" Elladan said, in a wistful tone, remembering many of his own 'wasted' days.

"Do YOU feel that way 'Ro?" Estel asked and Erestor rolled his eyes as Elrohir nodded in agreement.

"Then why do we have to? It doesn't make it fair if we don't WANT to-we should get to choose!" Estel said expectantly.

"You think so?" Elladan asked, quietly with a teasing sort of conviction in his voice.

"Perhaps you should suggest it!" Elrohir said, gesturing at Erestor with his chin, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"Boys!" Erestor said sharply "Do not put foolish ideas in his head please" Erestor said, warningly.

"Why don't we get to choose" Estel burst in, as the councillor picked up his things and walked slowly out of the library with the younglings.

"Because, while playing all day and spending endless time wtih visitors, friends and family sounds like and IS fun, you will find that as you grow older, you will have to learn things and master certain skills to progress in life. To attain any goals you have for yourself" Erestor explained calmly.

"But I just want to be a warrior! Like 'Findel!" Estel said, pointedly.

"A lofty goal" erector commented lightly.

"yes! and he doesn't need to know stuff, 'cept how to fight" estel said excitedly. As if he was sure he had found a loophole in Erestor's theory.

"Not so quick" Erestor said with a soft smile. "If Glorfindel has no schooling whatsoever, then how does he know how to write reports? How does he strategize his battle plans? How does he plan his raids and attacks with other generals? How is it that generals such as Glorfindel, end up writing books about things like wars, strategies, weapons and armours? Who do you think reads those types of books? How would they read them if they had never learned anything?" Erestor lectured pointedly.

"ooooooh" Estel said, stunned to silence by this revelation.

"Nothing in your life is ever simple, is it Erestor?" Elrohir teased as the boys walked away towards the dining hall and Erestor headed to his quarters to change and freshen up.


	5. The truth, revealed

**Why hello there gentle readers. I am sick. So today, I sit on this couch, watch CSI reruns and type out this chapter for you. WARNING. ERESTOR IS GOING TO ENGAGE IN SAD THINGS. Get. yourselves. safe. k. SAFETY. Message me if needed **** OK. I have some of my own ideas of allies for Rivendell, so if they're made up I apologize. Also, I am making some characters up that may possibly have come from other Fanfictions, and if I accidentally stole your name or what have you I am so so so so so sorry, I've read SO MANY fanfics, that sometimes those random fringe characters get mixed up. Please tell me if I'm stealing or if you've read them before...LET ME KNOW because it's honestly not intentional. I own nothing. 'cept that dog I keep talkin' 'bout...Tolkien owns elves. Huzzah. ELROND ADMITS HIS FEELINGS! (in a rather out of character fashion..) *gasp* ENJOY**

It was during the breakfast hour when Elrond heard Erestor nter his office setting down his books and tea, sorting out new reports and letters. Once his things were neatly in place, Elrond could count out the six seconds it took his best friend to get to his own office door, and he heard the customary four knocks that asked for entrance to begin the day.

"Enter " the elf lord called out, eager to see his councillor and to question him alone.

"Good morning my lord" Erestor called out respectfully, giving a cursory bow before he took his customary seat across from the half elf.

Elrond appraised him with careful trained eyes and something snapped within him. He felt suddenly as if he had never seen Erestor in real light before. His long dark hair was brushed back and tightly braided out of his eyes to hang down his back-his hair was fairly short in comparison to his own, cut to just below his shoulders.

His face was as pale as ever, his brown eyes-so often sharp with clarity and un-ending knowledge were a little dull.

Now that Elrond actually took the time to truly appraise his councillor he noted the heavy greyish-blue bags that hung low under his eyes. Surrounding the once sharp colour of his eyes was a deep and extensive web of red, his eyes were so bloodshot if it had been anyone else Elrond would have questioned their sobriety-and for the first time he wondered how long Erestor had gone without sleep.

His dark lips were chapped ever so slightly and his cheeks were sallow, sunken in. Erestor was very thin and again, if it had been anyone else Elrond would have thought he was very ill.

"My lord?" Erestor's lips were moving and at long last his gentle voice broke through.

"Yes Erestor, please forgive me. What were you saying?" He asked gently.

"I was just telling you that I have letters for you-two from Lord Celeborn, one from the lord of the woodland peoples near Bree. One from the Steward of Gondor and one from a small village on the western border of the mark" he explained, sliding the letters onto Elrond's desk –read and summarized with important parts highlighted in various different colours.

"Ah thank-you" he said, glancing at them-everything was so different this morning. And he had no idea where the change had come from. Regardless of where the change had come from, it pervaded everything in his morning.

Instead of seeing the hard work his councillor had done, he saw the councillor himself within the work. Every stroke of the pen was as if Erestor was speaking to him-he could see when he had blotted something on the page, when he had given pause, when he had to refill his pen, when he had been angry or exasperated about something, or someone.

Brushing a strand of hair behind one pointed ear he looked up and blinked with a nod "I will look them over much more carefully later, as I am sure you have more for me to do in that little pile of yours" Elrond teased with a soft smile.

Watching his face Elrond began to feel as if something of an other worldly nature had taken over his body. Because his 'new' eyes saw a pained flash in Erestor's eyes, he saw an exhausted, forced smile take the dark lips and Erestor's nod held no energy. He placed a small sheaf of papers on his desk and Elrond once again, forced himself to pay full attention.

"Yes. A few requests for food and supplies from small outlying villages-and a request from a settlement on the otherside of the Bruinen-apparently a rogue pack of wolves have banded together with a small group of Goblins and thinking they are the next great warg riders, they have crept ever closer to their borders, the lord there is concerned that they will be overrun, which of course holds large consequences for us. The matter is not threatening yet, but they require extra men to bring them down before the threat is real" Erestor said putting the most important document on the top.

Elrond's brows knit together and he felt a brief spasm of relief –in spite of the worrisome situation- that his mind seemed to at least be back to some semblance of normality. "I truly hope this pact between goblins and wolves does not become a trend" Elrond commented, the worry was only in the back of his voice as he was quite confident that Glorfindel would address the matter appropriately.

Erestor inclined his head in momentary agreement and Elrond almost flinched, as he perceived something in Erestor-a soft sigh of relief. Apparently he was aware to some degree of Elrond's acute scrutiny up to now, and was also quite relieved when the conversation had returned to the way that it ought to be.

The anger and worry that had been with the half elf for most of the morning had dissipated almost completely now and where he had before been quite eager to question Erestor further about Estel and last night-now he just wanted to send his councillor back to bed, but since he knew he couldn't he felt Erestor at least deserved the comfort of his own office and the solace of his own company-where Erestor was quite obviously happiest.

"Is there anything else?" The lord asked quietly, eyes already turning to one of the letters, determined to try and move past this strange bout of psychic empathy.

"Not as of now" Erestor replied, breathing another half sigh of relief-apparently Elrond had nothing to say on the matter of last night.

"Thank you then, Erestor" Elrond said with a warm but distant smile and a friendly but dismissive wave.

Erestor managed a smile and left the office, feeling very confused and a little surprised that he was a little disappointed that Elrond didn't notice.

He pulled the door between their offices closed and sat very slowly in his chair. He clamped his eyes shut and felt the slow black ilk of his sheer disgusting unworthiness creep slowly up his body, spreading through his veins, he cleared his throat quietly, desperate to rid himself of the tears that threatened to fall. "Stop. Enough." He hissed quietly. Glancing quickly at his letter opener, he reached out and trailed icy fingertips over the colder blade. Slowly upwards, in a darkly sensual dance he caressed the soft decorative curve of the simple black and red handle. A moment later, and three deep slashes in his left arm and he felt the blackness inside him freeze cold in its tracks. He straightened himself in his seat, reared his chin and set to work with a new and angry vengeance.

As the day went on Elrond began to feel better, as if everything was going back to normal. Erestor came in and out of his office, Estel came to Erestor for lessons and they went on as they always did. The older two gallivanted around causing trouble and being general nuisances-as they always were.

Glorfindel reported to him at lunch that no-one he had talked to knew of any injury Estel might have sustained, and as Estel moved through the day apparently unaffected by anything, Elrond didn't care.

Elrond had spent most of his morning greeting people as they arrived, talking with dignitaries and hearing of their kingdoms, worlds, or people. Celeborn and Galadriel were happily among those who had arrived and Elrond spent a great deal of time in discussion and reminiscence with him.

So, with everyone greeted and settled in for rest and friendly visiting he finally set to work on his desk. He made it through the letters and set to work, making notes in his own hand-noting passively that he could always rely on Erestor to make_ his _notes in a blue or red ink, because he himself always used black. He acknowledged and signed off on one request for Erestor to draft the final agreement for. Then he questioned the second for further discussion, he was considering the third one, smooth healing fingers stroking idly down the page, when he felt three small lumps near the bottom. A small series, they were all lined up in a row. Out of curiosity he looked down and removed his fingers to see.

His heart froze and he felt an electrical surge all through his body. 3 small round drops of blood, lined up in a row, at the very bottom of Erestor's summary page. The edges of the dots were sort of scalloped, with little fingers stretching from the centre of each drop. Whoever was bleeding had been standing over top of the paper as the blood fell.

He traced each small drop with the very tip of his finger, worrying at the inside of his cheek, his eyes grew out of focus as he drifted into thought and the pieces came together.

Estel had gotten blood on him when he and Erestor had been together. And since the little boy had no conceivable wounds that anyone could detect, it was fair to jump to the conclusion that the blood had come from another source...but Erestor?

That coupled with the way that Erestor had been effecting him that morning, it hadn't been worry for Estel, or his undue affection for his beautiful councillor. It had been a deep and clarion call to the healer inside of him. Erestor was in pain and needed help.

But it brought it again, to the blood. That was the part that eluded Elrond. There was a lot of blood on that handkerchief- a disproportionate amount for something like a paper cut, or a gouge from a too sharp quill.

He knit his brows together and gave up on any more work on his desk, in an attempt to solve the new problem at hand.

He started on the problem by mulling over everything he knew about Erestor. He considered Erestor to be his finest friend in the world. Erestor was old, but he really did not know exactly how old. The councillor had no family or friends from his past, no one who celebrated his begetting day, and beyond that he himself didn't set aside any particular day that might indicate it was a special day to Erestor.

Elrond knew vaguely about his background and how highly the councillor had come recommended by Galadriel. He knew that Erestor was sharply intelligent, wickedly capable and extremely competent.

He excelled on his own, delegating tasks to and from his underlings. He found real enjoyment in paperwork, he efficiently without complaint and delay planned feasts, festivals and councils. Which seemed to be his ultimate forte. His silver tongue danced circles around all and everyone. People rarely dared to challenge him.

Outside of the council chambers Erestor never chose to use his considerable skills. Elrond knew from being married, from having children and from his own youth that someone as impressive as Erestor could select from a very large group of beautiful women, or even men, but Elrond didn't even know which Erestor preferred.

The councillor didn't dress himself to attract any sort of attention whatsoever. Celebrian had offered Erestor a few beautiful robes in various colours which would only serve to enhance his features and natural colouring. And while Erestor had been unendingly grateful-he never wore them.

Erestor chose black. Not slimming silhouetting black robes, but large and billowing, they _did_ succeed in making him appear taller and broader from a distance or from across the council chamber, but did nothing to flatter his figure-which Elrond abashedly realized he didn't even know what sort of figure that was, exactly.

He began to realize in that moment that in spite of his deep and growing lust and affection for his chief councillor, he apparently knew nothing, absolutely nothing about Erestor whatsoever.

In the midst of his musings on his councillor he heard a knock on the door, looking up he felt an odd rush of guilt as that very elf appeared in his doorway.

"Erestor" Elrond said suddenly, blinking twice and inwardly cursing himself as he felt a soft, guilty blush rise up his high cheek bones and a lump formed in his throat as his grey eyes swept over the over draped, exhausted looking figure that stood there.

"My lord?" Erestor asked, he himself feeling badly as if he had done something wrong.

"Yes, Erestor? What can I do for you?" he asked lightly, trying to put a more natural tone in his voice.

"I was just wondering if you had had a chance to get through any of the reports or things I left you this morning?" the councillor asked quietly.

Elrond's guilt increased as he looked at his desk "Well, there have been so many visitors arriving today" he trailed off with the guilty grin that took his features whenever he wandered from his duties enough to not get it done.

Erestor rolled his eyes and the easy feeling they had so long cultivated between them pushed its way back to the surface, making things seem for both of them, a little more normal-at least on the surface.

"So you have done?" Erestor trailed off, questioningly.

"2 letters" Elrond replied with a cheeky grin.

"For crying out loud Elrond! Am I supposed to run this city by myself?" Erestor said with a friendly chiding tone.

"Well! I think we should take some time off for the next three days" Elrond said slowly, feeling a soft twinge of guilt, compassion and worry as he saw a brief glimmer of terror and indecision in Erestor's eyes. And he backpedalled desperately.

"As much as we can at least, with everyone arriving at different times it is extremely disruptive to me. Particularly because now much more important leaders are arriving, as well as close personal friends..." he began, feeling that instead of mandating and dictating as a lord, he needed to convince and cajole him as a friend and would-be lover.

"And with Silinde here, certainly you have more to occupy your time then paperwork" Elrond continued in a quiet, gentle tone.

Erestor inclined his head and gulped lightly. "True enough. And with people coming in so quickly it will be easier to face the upcoming council meetings if I gather all the paperwork and everything together all at once as well as the fact that I have people to room, feed, and see to the needs of. Perhaps if I did not have to be in my office all day it would be a little more helpful" Erestor said in a quiet, defeated tone of agreement.

Elrond looked at him and smiled gently, reaching across the desk he grasped Erestor's shoulder "and you might just consider having a little fun between now and then" he said, though he felt tears building in his eyes as he realized that under the layers of fabric was nothing but a jagged bone.

Erestor nodded his head and pulled his body gently away from Elrond, as he stood up and slid neatly back into his office.

As he sunk into his chair looking at his hands, he wondered what it was that was making Elrond act so oddly, the lord was looking at him as if he was ...broken? Yet the other man said nothing. Was it pity? He couldn't deal with pity, it would be too much, he began to shake ever so slightly as he recalled every word that Elrond had said-and shuddered whole heartedly at the knowledge that Silinde-Lord Celeborn's chief councillor was on the grounds.

The two chief councillor's had always gotten along, but whenever someone elses councillor was there Erestor felt like he was even more in hiding then he usually was around his own people. As a chief councillor, someone who had the very same job as he did, it would be easier for them to see the black tar in his veins.

He felt the thickness start to creep up him and he shook his head, frantic for it to be gone, he ground his heel into the floor, keeping his head up as straight as he could, the door wasn't closed between their offices, he couldn't risk stabbing it away right now, but he couldn't seem to get control over himself enough to cause it to stop.

Gulping thickly he pulled his chair back up to his desk and bit his bottom lip, staring off out the window he took a long, deep breath trying to repress the sticky poison that crept ever closer to his mind.

He took long, deep, calming breaths and his eyes flew all around the room, at last his eyes settled fully and completely once more on his only hope for redemption. The letter opener that sat innocently on his desk at all times. With shaking fingertips he reached out to touch it, maybe just touching it would be enough.

He touched it for a long moment, letting the tip of his finger drag along the blade ever so slightly not hard enough to cut, but hard enough to be assured of its sharpness. He sighed heavily and sat back in his seat, defeated.

He couldn't do it, even if he wanted to of course-but he couldn't, which meant he would be taken to the dark place, taken immediately by the sullied filth that ran through ihs veins.

After a sallow, bitter moment of self pity he sat up and set to the minute amount of work on his desk top, the dark cloud rose in his mind and his writing got straighter and darker, more rigid and severe.

While part of his mind got clearer and more direct, focussed entirely on his work, making certain that it was good enough in spite of his inherent incapability. The larger part of his mind however, descended to the black, to the dark place, and he began to review in more detail how the day had gone. Inevitably...the voice started, the voice that reminded him what exactly, he was.

'You foolish creature. You should have hid better from the boy-he is a ranger not some moronic child, he certainly isn't you. I'm not surprised that you couldn't hide it, your disgusting stupid ilk wouldn't notice if a simple tree uprooted and walked in here. Too weak to handle your emotions on your own, you screw up and get caught intentionally, in desperation that someone else will notice-perhaps so they will understand and help you. But you are nothing but an imperfect, disgusting, twisted creature why would anyone want to help you? Beyond your twisted, distorted emotional state look at how you work! You have no ability to focus on more than one thing at a time. You work so terribly that your own Lord wants nothing to do with you. And now! he wants you to spend time with Silinde, in desperate hopes that eventually you might be able to do something of worth. You are nothing but an over rated scribe, a rundown school teacher. Elrond recognizes it, you are nothing but a well used quill to him, over used, a complete eyesore, your tip is ground down to nothing, your feather is threadbare and stiff, but you are too comfortable and pathetic to throw away'.

The voice nattered onwards in his head, speaking to him the things he had long believed to be the truths about himself. It wouldn't stop as he hammered out the last report and turned his attention to unnecessary notes on the final set of feasts and festivals upcoming in the next week-even though he already had everything in the world planned down to the last emergency contingency plan. The voice never stopped-it never did, it moved on after the first ten mintues from its original material, and began to draw upon the things that he had done over his entire miserable life, all the things that had created the horrendousness that was him today.

The first time he had ripped his clothing in his youth, the first time he had disrupted his father, the first time he had angered his mother, the first time he had made a mistake in class, the first time that he had made a mess of his office, the first time he had attempted a date-all of these had proved to him once that he was unworthy of anything, especially love.

Over the years he had done his best to freeze himself completely on that day-and though he had worked endlessly to keep himself frozen-and when anything in him unfroze ever so briefly-the black tar oozed through, threatening to infect everyone around him, everything he cared about. Any moment that he unfroze ever so slightly the silence gripped him and he fully realized what kind of a thing, a beast, a creature he truly was. The only thing that could ever break through the thick black bubble was the blood. His blood. Shedding his own blood served three purposes.

The first was that it showed him, imprisoned (though the dark voice reminded him it wasn'[t a prison, but his proper place in life) behind his bubble that his physical matter was not black poison, that at some level he was a living elf, somewhere, somehow. The second purpose was that he could punish himself, show the dark voice that he was extremely sorry. That he knew how very unworthy a creature he truly was. The third and final purpose, was really more of an off shoot of the second-once the voice saw his self punishment, saw how much he was trying to rectify the mistakes of his condition, and once it did the voice would leave him alone, at least for a time.

When he couldn't bleed, for whatever reason-he was in council, or Elrond was overly present, that black bubble grew larger forming a silent barrier, a mechanism that defended him from any sort of discovery, punishment allowed him to be calm, but when he couldn't bleed the silence meant that no one would see inside him. He became an austere and silent statue. No one would ever know, no one would be able to see his flaws. Of course it came with the drawback of not being able to feel anything at all.

His reports and paperwork were long finished and he still sat there, he glanced down at this hands and wondered why they seemed so far away. He screwed up his face and forced on of his heavy as lead hand up to his face to feel for the change. He was aware of the change, aware of his cold fingers on his cheeks and lips, but it didn't feel real to him.

This was most definitely the worst place to be-when all his body felt heavy and far away-none of it felt real, nothing in the world felt real. He dropped his hands to his lap and flinched at the sound in the tomb like silence of his head. His eyes glanced desperately towards the letter opener again-the only thing in the room that seemed real and whole. The letter opener could pierce the bubble and bring him back to reality. He watched his hands creep across the desk seemingly of its own accord, long ink stained fingers going for the handle with a need and a desire that encompassed everything in his soul. Then he was distantly aware of some unidentifiable female voice.

Turning his head he appraised the speaker, to others this stare had been labelled the cold and condescending look of Councillor Erestor. To Erestor it was because he was seeing life through a long, dark, inescapable tunnel. The person was a room attendant, with a story of something being wrong with one rooming section that he had originally picked out for arriving dignitaries. "We need four more rooms My Lord" she muttered nervously, afraid of his sharp tongue.

"Very well" Erestor replied, turning slowly in his chair, distantly aware of his icy fingers catching his rooming plan and inventory folder and he stood to his feet, whisking down the hallway with the attendant in tow. Erestor felt as if he was moving through mud, or even solid stone, to the attendant however it was stark and mechanical, as if she had interrupted his day. Erestor saw her frightened look and felt her desperation to keep p with his steps, but he resigned himself to that perception-it was too dark and difficult to fight against.

Elrond, after dismissing his miserable councillor, sat alone in his office for a while before he got up and went to join his family in the smaller garden outside.

Galadriel was laughing, smiling, and playing with Estel on the span of lawn, hemmed in by fruit trees and rose bushes.

Celeborn sat with Elladan and Elrohir discussing battle strategies, rangers, orcs, old wars, everything the boys found fascinating that they could share with their Grandfather.

Elrond sat with Arwen under the trees catching up with his beloved daughter, simply enjoying the time with his family. "I have missed Imladris" Arwen was saying, "But I do not think I am yet ready to stay" she admitted softly.

"I know, and that is alright my darling, I and your brothers miss you truly, but you must be well in your own right before you can submit to our whims." Elrond said lovingly.

"And what of you Ada? I know you are lonely-mother would want you to be happy...and I know that look in your eyes, I know you see something that which you desire greatly" she said, mimicking her grandmother ever so slightly.

He laughed and stroked her face "I am happy enough my darling, and I will not deny that my eyes have been drawn to someone as of late, but I am still struggling with the problem of how to attract the attention, or in the very least transmit my interest" he said with a shrug of shoulders.

Arwen laughed lightly and piled her long dark hair over one shoulder, "well whenever you are ready Ada, the proper way will come to you" she said with a warm smile.

He nodded his head and their conversation moved to other things, they talked of Loth Lorien and the sure beauty of the coming season. When all of a sudden a great cry rose from the other side of the lawn.

All heads turned to the sound of the cries and Elrond was on his feet-those were cries of genuine pain, already being coaxed to silent by caring grandmotherly hands, he arrived seconds after Estel's tears were stopped up by Galadriel pressing a handkerchief to little Estel's leg. "It is nothing, Ada you worry too much" the elf lady said with a twinkle in her all knowing eyes.

"Nothing but a scratch I assure you" she said, pulling the handkerchief away so that Elrond could see how little the wound truly was. But Elrond was not looking at the small, insignificant scratch on the little boys leg.

His grey eyes were riveted on the handkerchief that Galadriel held in her hand, one small blotted line of blood lay there. In a neat, un-smudged row. As he nodded his head distractedly, she pressed the handkerchief back to Estel's leg, cooing comforting words to the sniffling mortal. When she pulled it away the bleeding had basically stopped and Elrond saw another single blotted line, slightly below the first, another neat un-smudged line. "You will be fine Estel" his father said distractedly, and with only cursory words to Arwen about leaving something in his office he all but ran back down the hall.

He took the corner towards his office at a ridiculous pace, when seeing no one was in that hall he actually took off running, without bothering to knock or call out a warning he grasped the handle to Erestor's office door, turned it, shouldered the heavy, ornate thing open and stopped dead in his tracks.

Erestor sat at his desk, back half way to his once closed door. His right arm was sleeveless, held out over the floor, from his position, Elrond could see blood running down his pinky finger, dripping down to the small pool already on the floor. Crystalline tears formed two steady tracks down the councillor's pale cheeks, splashing steadily on the front of his baggy black robes. His left hand weakly grasped his simple letter opener, it was stained with blood and poised to cut again. Without moving, Elrond stood there, hair half in his face, breathing slightly more heavily then was necessary, shock flew over his spine and tingled down his whole body. "Erestor...what are you doing?" he asked, in a soft, pained voice.


	6. Wanted, Needed

**Hey everyone! So Erestor is going to explain things to Elrond in this chapter, it will be emotional, a little descriptively graphic and possibly (probably) triggering so please by the Gods, get yourselves safe. I say this everytime to warn y'all...e-mail me/message me anything, I'm here for y'all. Elrond says a bad word! I own nothing at all...Tolkien's so don't sue! Try to Enjoy...(it's really emotional and it was very difficult to write...) **

For many long moments Erestor thought that he could come up with pretty words, some sort of petty speech that would make Elrond momentarily worried, and then cause his Lord to forget all about the incident in days. But he took one look into the glowing grey eyes, as Elrond stepped in and closed and locked the door tightly behind him.

He watched him for a long moment and then burst into tears-not the silent tracks of frozen ooze, but real tears, his tiny frame shook with sobs and he brought both of his hands in front of him, he clutched the letter opener and it pressed half unconsciously into the flesh of his right wrist, through the rivulets of blood. "It hurts. So much" he gasped out, as he looked up through wet lashes at Elrond's confused and worried face.

Elrond opened his mouth to admonish him, but stopped as his best friend began to cry-with an agony that reached into his soul and nearly cracked his heart in two. "Erestor" he murmured softly, dropping to his knees at Erestor's side he wrenched the weapon from the icy hand, and set it gently on the desk-somehow inside his head, he knew that Erestor wouldn't appreciate it if he disrespected his glittering blade.

"Elrond...I...it's so far away, and I can hardly breathe anymore, please Elebreth just let it end, I can...I can't..." the usually eloquent councillor gasped through his sobs. He fell away from his friend and slid to the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest he buried his face in his knees and desperately tried to choke away his sobs.

"Erestor" Elrond said again, and as Erestor tightened the hold he had on his knees until his knuckles turned white. Elrond suddenly felt as if repeating the others name would do very little good, he needed to find something to say...but he had no idea what in the fires of Mordor was appropriate for this type of experience.

"I am very sorry My Lord" Erestor said, his tears stopped almost automatically and he let his knees drop from his chest. His face was terrifyingly blank, in spite of the clinging wetness and traces of blood from his arm.

"I would never mean to impede your life with silly concerns, I promise you that I will conduct myself in a much more appropriate manner from now on" The councillor continued, in that empty, cold meaningless tone.

Elrond's mouth dropped open and once again the only thing he could think of to say was "Erestor".

Hollow, exhausted, dead brown eyes turned to stare at him, and he reared his chin. "Forgive me" he said and forced himself to stand, dragging his sleeve over the already smeared blood on his right arm.

"Erestor" Elrond said one more time, getting to his feet, his jaw worked, his lips opened and closed, but for all the thoughts in his head, all the knowledge in his mind, all the years of experience he had under his proverbial belt-he couldn't find a single word. Not a single phrase, nothing...his emotions roiled in his chest. Anger at Erestor for repressing these emotions, anger that someone he thought to be a mutual friend wouldn't reach out and ask for help. Hurt that Erestor had never seemed to trust him with this, irritation that Erestor was just going to act like nothing had ever happened-that he was going to go back to normal and pretend like he was in no pain whatsoever. He was worried about how long this type of thing had been going on, he was shocked at the simple callousness of the action-there was some level of his mind that wondered what kind of elf it took to take a blade and cut into his own arm in a situation that did not involve healing. He was terrified that he was going to lose Erestor forever, because he knew, again with knowing how he knew, that if Erestor walked away now, in this cold mechanical way that he would easily take his life and no one would know when or how or why it would happen. Erestor had repressed this secret for so long that Elrond knew that it was probably hiding much more then even he had come to know in this moment.

"I will go wash up now, you will-" but Elrond cut him off-surprising even himself he slapped the councillor, hard, flat across the face. Not the kind of masculine strike one might accept from a onetime warrior, but an open handed slap, that struck right across the flat of his hollow, sunken cheek.

His lips parted and Erestor looked at him in shock, Elrond glanced down at his own hand and gulped thickly. "I..." he began but then he shook his head and his face hardened, and he looked at him.

"I will not apologize" he said softly. Part of him felt as if he should get angry, yell and scream, point out all the evidence as to why doing this to himself was stupid, was pointless, harmful to himself, with no fruit or meaning. But obviously to Erestor, it meant enough to hide from him...for a long time and he had no right to yell at something that he could never dream to understand.

"I don't know why you do this, I don't know how long you've done this, but in the end it doesn't matter." Elrond took in a long, deep breath and held it as long as he possibly could. Erestor sunk away from him, not from fear, but from confusion. Something glittered in the depths of his brown eyes, and as Elrond released his breath, he thought it looked a little like hope.

"Doesn't matter?" Erestor said, in a voice suddenly dripping with an insidious sort of sarcasm. While Elrond watched him carefully, he came to believe that Erestor was buried behind something... else. Something... dark. Not evil, but dark.

"No, it doesn't" Elrond repeated, though his face softened greatly and a frown tugged at his face as Erestor's demeanour suddenly changed, and the small councillor looked up at him with an almost terrifying expression on his face.

"I know, because it's obvious now, to you" Erestor spat at him, hands curling tightly against his chest, as if he was holding his heart inside.

"Obvious? Erestor..." Elrond trailed off, confused, horror building in his chest as he felt something building in the room around them.

"Erestor, Erestor, Erestor" Erestor mimicked, suddenly angry, he shoved himself away from Elrond, and with shaky steps grabbed his weapon and stomped half way across the room, stopping to lean against a bookshelf, with his shoulder pressed against it, he rested his forehead on the shelf above him, he turned his head and sent a disjointed, far away look at Elrond, full of hurt, agony, desperation and loneliness.

"You say that like it actually means something." Erestore said sardonically.

"Say what? What am I saying, Erestor? What?" Elrond asked, carefully, not sure what sort of ground he was on with Erestor right now.

"Repeating my name, endlessly like that. I know why you're doing it, but why do you insist on it? I can see it Elrond, I may be stupid, but I can at least see the obvious" Erestor replied, neatly, sort of rocking back and forth on his heels, his hair swayed in his face, when he moved backwards and his hair swung to reveal his face, when he moved forwards his face was covered again, though strands stuck to his wet face, smeared with tears and blood.

"What? What are you talking about? " Elrond demanded, his mouth open in shock. This was something that Elrond had never experienced before in his entire life. Erestor had never acted like this, Erestor was suddenly an elf that Elrond had never met. An angry, quiet, sarcastic, sardonic, hurt, lonely, desperate, confused elf, in terrible agony. He was hunched over ever so slightly as he rocked, his hands clutched the letter opener near his chest with a white knuckled grip, tears flowed freely down his face now, and his breathing was laboured and quick, as if he was struggling with his sobs and the sniffles that came with such tears. His eyes darted back and forth, between the wall, the bookshelf, his desk, the window, the door, everywhere but at Elrond, as if he couldn't quite bring himself to look at his lord, when he did look at him, it was only for a moment and it was with eyes that were wide open and terrified. His fingers spasmed ever so slightly on the handle in his hand as he spoke, and at first Elrond thought that he was just saying things out of anger, but as Erestor continued to speak, the shocked half-elf began to realize that his beautiful, usually calm and collected councillor-truly and honestly believed the things he was saying.

"My name, whatever does it mean to you? What does it mean to anyone? It is what you call me when you do not need me...when you do not want me for something, when you are not calling upon me to pretend to do my job for you. It is a hail, nothing more...it has no meaning. And now I know, because obviously you have nothing to say to me. I know it is my fault, it is always my fault, I was foolish enough to let myself slip again, a disgusting mistake I should have expected long ago. Now I cannot fix it, but at least I will get the fate that I truly deserve, I only ask that you keep this to yourself. I would never wish to infect dear Elladan and Elrohir with my filth...and Elebreth preserve little Estel, he should have nothing to do with my ilk. I would never mean to make an idiotic mistake like this but...I know that it is my fate." His speech came out not in elegant prose, but in short, quick spurts. The first half of his speech was directed towards Elrond, but quickly the lord knew it was directed mostly at Erestor himself, chastising himself.

When he finished Elrond opened his mouth, but realized that he had nothing real to say "but it is yours, your name...it belongs to you, that is what it means" he managed weakly.

"Unfortunately" Erestor said, and looked over at him, at last, he looked into his eyes and Elrond saw real defeat, he felt that he should leave now, perhaps leave Erestor to his irrational thoughts, he felt that there would never be a chance to talk him out of it, but he was afraid that if he left now, Erestor would surrender his life completely.

But Erestor saw something too, the concern, the confusion, the worry in Elrond's eyes, and though the dark voice told him it was only because of the awkward situation, the threat to his children, the loss of Erestor's position in the office. But something inside of him caught onto that with a hope unlike anything else, Elrond really cared and loved him. For a long time silence reigned among them, Elrond gaining a little hope himself from Erestor's relaxed body language, his darting eyes and desperate breathing slowed down, his tears slowed, and then stopped and he straightened up slightly.

Elrond finally spoke, "But why?" he asked, and it was clear to them both that it wasn't a question just in regards to Erestor's little speech but to everything.

After a moment Erestor sighed, and pulled up both of his belled sleeves and held out his forearms. Elrond gasped, and his eyes brimmed with tears, quite obviously this was NOT a one or two time thing. His pale arms were riddled with scars, some little pink lines, some little white ridges, some were deeply embedded in his flesh, they ran up and down, sideways, diagonally, there were faded elvish words, and a great deal of new wounds slashed over top of the old scars, they numbered more than likely in the thousands. "Erestor" Elrond whispered and Erestor flinched.

"I'm sorry" Elrond said automatically as he took three steps forward, there were several new ones and the ones that were currently bleeding were just ebbing to a stop.

"I. am sorry" Erestor said calmly.

"There is nothing to be sorry for" Elrond said, with a vehemence that caused Erestor to gulp.

"I ...there is so much to be said, Erestor, so much to be explained and discussed..." Elrond began, and Erestor glanced away, blinking away more tears, his eyes flew open and his heart fluttered in his chest as Elrond took his bleeding arm in his warm and smooth hands.

"I know..." Erestor said quietly "I...just...I wish this had never happened, and I am so sorry it did" he murmured, tears flowing again.

"I am not" Elrond said sharply, a decision clicking into his head.

"I would never want you to past my cold..."but Elrond cut him off, grabbing his wrists roughly, shaking him once.

"You are cold, distant, and frozen, yes. But that coldness and distance doesn't mean what you think it does." Elrond said confidently.

"but..." Erestor tried but Elrond shook him again.

"No. Erestor. You may think whatever you want, but it is only a facade." Elrond said quietly.

"Why...Why do you say that?" Erestor demanded sharply.

Elrond shook him one more time, forcing Erestor to look him in the eyes "Because someone who is as sharp, and calm, and in control as yourself could only be the most emotional and deeply passionate person on the face of the planet. Only that much emotion requires the icy control you exert. And I don't give a damn what you believe, it is the God's honest truth."

"But what would that mean to anyone? I am nothing but a foolish, unworthy, unwanted wretch...I should be more in control of myself" Erestor argued, in vain.

Elrond slammed him against the bookshelf behind him, fingers in a bruising grip on his wrists. "Don't fucking say that." Elrond hissed

Erestor gasped "say what?" he asked, challenge in his tone

"I. want. you." The elf lord said, his voice cutting and sharp, he leaned forward to punctuate his statement "You are worth more than everything on Arda to me and I. fucking. need. you." He snarled, without another moment he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Erestor's.


	7. The beginning

**Hello. Again. It's me...not much to say-Erestor has a moment (GET YOURSELVES SAFE) Elrond has a moment...poor Elrond. Estel cuteness. SEXY TIMES. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. It's not seriously adult yet but there are some references, and Erestor and Elrond have some fun...so...yes. ADULTISH. **** :D Tolkien owns it, not me **** ENJOY! **

Elrond held him in place thought it wasn't necessary because Erestor didn't move, didn't struggle, didn't even kiss back really-but he didn't pull away or fight. When Elrond pulled away at last Erestor looked up at him through thick, wet lashes and pulled his wrists gently out of Elrond's grip.

"You kissed me" He muttered quietly.

Elrond lifted a brow and nodded "I did" he replied softly.

"Why?" Erestor asked quietly, in a voice shaking with heavily restrained and hidden emotions.

"Because" Elrond paused to think for a moment. His first instinct was to say something flower and poetic, but he didn't want any more compounded lies between them, so he put away his extreme concern and let his own emotions out from under the iron clad control he held over his own self.

Reaching up he laid a hand on Erestor's chest, stroking upwards to cup the side of his slender neck, brushing his thumb lovingly over the beautiful elf's cheek bone. "All I have wanted to do, with mounting desire, for years, is to kiss you, hold you, take you, have you" He said, when he reached his list he moved in and kissed along his neck toward his ear, pressing a kiss between each item on said list.

"To warm your icy hands" he said, giving one hand a gentle squeeze with his free hand, "To moisten your," he paused again and gave a very deliberate lick up the entire outer shell of Erestor's pointed ear "Your endlessly dry lips" he purred in his ear, feeling deep satisfaction at the soft groan he rent from Erestor's throat. Elrond dropped Erestor's hand and reached out for his hip, pulling the smaller councillor hard against his body, he couldn't help but smile as thin and shaking hands pressed palms flat, against his chest, one stroking ever so slightly up and down in encouragement.

Elrond looked down into brown eyes as he kissed back up towards his lips, pressing two kisses to the underside of his jaw, making his slow way back up towards his lips, he yanked Erestor flush against his body and then lifted the small councillor right off the ground, slamming their mouths together he took the three steps back across the office to lay Erestor across his desk.

Erestor hit back-first and gasped sharply for his breath as Elrond leaned over top of him, hands roaming all over his chest, from his hips back to his hair, he pressed ever so slightly, and ERestor was shocked to see this rough, sexual side of Elrond that the councillor would never have imagined in his lord.

Once again his thoughts ground to a halt as Elrond thrust his tongue into Erestor's mouth for the first time, though this time the gasp came from the elf lord-not Erestor, because Elrond was shocked to find that Erestor was even cold inside his mouth, his tongue was icy and strangely dry. Though the taste of the berry tea that Erestor drank almost to excess was undeniable.

At last, at long last, Erestor kissed him back as best he could, this, the second kiss of his entire life was exceedingly odd but endlessly pleasurable. He had always been fond of his lord, but he never imagined that these sorts of thoughts and feelings could be a reality for him, especially for his Lord, but they were very real. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with his hands, so he left them on Elrond's chest, still and unmoving, he was too afraid and worried to move lest Elrond think him too demanding and greedy. He shocked himself out of his thoughts again by groaning aloud once more as Elrond moved back to his neck.

The half-elf pressed heated open mouthed kisses against the column of Erestor's neck and the darkling thought he was going mad with the heated tingles flying through his entire body, centring between his legs stoking a bonfire deep within him that he never in his life could have imagined. Unconsciously his fingers fisted and knotted in Elrond's pale blue/grey robe, and he tilted his head to the side, nervously resting his forehead against his companion's shoulder, to give Elrond as much access to his neck as possible.

Elrond thoroughly ravished Erestor's mouth until it was warm and he was sure that he would taste Erestor for the rest of his life. Once they were comfortably braced on the desk, he moved to taste the snow white flesh he had so long coveted. A smile curved his lips as Erestor began to more openly respond to him.

He kissed downwards until he ran out of flesh on his neck and reached for the neck of his robes with slow and gentle fingers.

But Erestor felt panic in his chest-Elrond had been upset at the show on his arms, then what in the name of Mordor would Elrond think of his chest? Never mind his legs...He pushed his hands, hard, against Elrond's chest, shoving the half elf off of him, without giving pause to say anything he fled from the office as fast as he could.

Elrond was too shocked and worried to go after him, and so from his place near the door to his own office where he had ended up he watched ERestor fumble frantically wtih the lock and then ultimately run down the hall. "what have I done?" the stricken half-elf said aloud to himself, and then hung his head in shame.

Erestor ran all the way to his rooms and threw himself onto his bed, curling his knees to his chest he began to sob anew-all of the emotions of the evening attacking him all at once. His agony over his discovery, the thrill of Elrond's admission, the delicious pleasures that had swum all through his body. He pressed finger tips to his lips as he remembered the feeling of Elrond's mouth against his own, how wonderful it had felt to have Elrond _in_ his mouth, hands on his body, lips on his neck, the soft feeling of the tip of Elrond's besieging tongue...it was all so much, and he knew it would all be shattered if Elrond ever found out how ugly he truly was.

Elrond for his part went into his own office for an hour, berating himself for being so forward with Erestor, perhaps he'd been too demanding, or too rough. But the councillor brought out a desperate, urgent side of him, he wanted him so very badly that it became near impossible to rein in his desires when Erestor was so vulnerable and so open to him. Which was of course the part that baffled him the most. Unknowingly mimicking Erestor he reached up and pressed his fingers to his lips as he tasted the tea that Erestor favoured above every other drink. He stroked his gentle fingers over his own bottom lip as he hang onto the feeling of Erestor against his mouth, the cold flesh under his lips, the thrumming of his neck vein underneath Elrond's over heated tongue. "Damn it" he murmured to himself, rubbing the palm of his hand over the surface of his own desk only added to his mental anguish and he pushed himself to his feet. With a hefty sigh he smoothed his long dark hair, his soft coloured robes and squared his shoulders, he knew that Erestor would never want to talk about it, probably ever again, so he returned to his family on the lawn with a fake smile plastered in place, as a certain misery overtook his own mind-all he could do was hope to the Gods that at least Erestor would want to at least return things to the way they had been.

All night long Elrond didn't see his councillor, and all night long Erestor stayed in his bedroom and alternated between staring off into silence, trying to work, and crying with confusion and hurt. Part of his mind was convinced that this was Elrond's pity, but part of him wondered if it was true. That part of his mind gradually won out as he replayed every touch, every kiss and every movement in his mind. Elrond was so passionate and Elebreth was he strong. Erestor clutched a pillow to his chest and buried his face in it as he recalled the coiling of Elrond's muscles as the half-elf had picked him up. He hugged the pillow tightly as he remembered the cut of his abs and pectorals under his fingers as he clutched to his chest. Those smooth warm hands on his neck, in his hair, over his arms. "Ugh" he said out loud and stood up throwing his pillow onto his bed he paced the room.

The dark voice had nothing to say but a weak argument about how Erestor was too ugly and mutilated to ever be truly attractive. Chewing on his lower lip he undid the buttons to his robe, pulling it off he let down his hair and tied it up in a loose tail as he reluctantly moved to stand in front of his mirror, examining what he saw. His pale chest showed his sternum and his collar bones stuck out, there were small gaps between his ribs, his thin arms also showed his bones, not enough to be deadly or disgusting, but his thinness was rather prominent. He blinked sunken brown eyes at himself, looking at the criss-crossing network of scars and wounds across his chest, the writing on his stomach and lower chest glimmered in white ridges. The patch he'd once carved out of his shoulder the worst of anything, the scars that disappeared under the thin black breeches he wore under his robes down his prominent hip bones, which he knew continued down his thighs. He sighed heavily as he brushed a finger along one large pink scar and shuddered as goosebumps broke out across his flesh-he wondered half idly what it would feel like if Elrond traced the same path. His tongue flashed out and licked his still kiss-swollen lips as he traced the path again-suddenly aware of what he was doing he yanked his hand back and picked up an overly large sleeping shirt, jamming it on he tugged it down and cleared his throat, stomping back to his bed he picked up an old history book and threw himself onto his bed determined to put these silly fantasies out of his head once and for all. But what if Elrond really _had_ meant everything he had said and done...the elf lord _had_ started everything. He had spoken with such passion and surety, he had been so demanding and rough in such the right way, his strength and dominance and completely eliminated any place the dark voice had had in that place, in regards to those things, those feelings. He bit down on his bottom lip as he recalled Elrond`s grip on his wrists, glancing down he saw very light bruises on both, in the perfect shape of Elrond`s fingers.

Instead of being indignant and irritated at the marks a tiny smile took his lips and he chewed a little harder on the lower one. Now it wasn`t a lie. The voice couldn`t tell him it had never happened...Elrond truly wanted him, wanted him badly enough to risk hurting him. He licked his lips and sighed softly as he shook his head and tried to refocus on his book. What would Elrond think of him for just leaving like that, walking out without a word of explanation, without a single polite comment or excuse. Suddenly a huge thrill of guilt and horror filtered down his spine as he realized the true extent of what he had done. Squeezing his eyes shut he stood up, abandoning his book and went into his sitting room, lifting up the couch cushion, dwindling as fast as blinking his eyes into the dark tunnel of guilt, he picked up the dagger he kept there and walked mechanically back to his bedroom. He sunk into the corner, back against the wall and drew his leg up, pulling his pant leg up he carved Elrond's name into his leg, desperately wishing he could be a different person, or curl up and die on the spot.

Elrond spent the night with Galadriel and Celeborn, talking about history and the upcoming council meetings. He did everything he could in the world to distract himself from the disaster in Erestor's office. He was mildly concerned that his councillor was going to do something detrimental to himself, but he didn't think that Erestor would want to see him again, at least so soon. So he did his best to simply hope and pray that his lover...his friend, would pull through as he always did somehow.

The night was among the longest of his life and he surprised himself that when he got back to his rooms he almost immediately fell asleep.

He woke the next morning from a hellish nightmare, involving finding Erestor's bloodless body, all but eviscerated on the floor. His breath came quick and frightened and he gulped thickly. He rose feeling tired and confused, worried and desperate. Dressed as quickly as he could and headed down the hallway, throwing out a casual smile at anyone who waved or said anything to him he went into his office and waited the longest 4 seconds of his life before he shouldered into Erestor's office, "Erestor we should really..." he began but froze, to find the office empty.

"Oh good lord" he all but whimpered and then he turned around and ran out of his office. walking quickly down the hall he went into the breakfast room and smiled at his family. Sitting down he pressed a hand to Estel's shoulder as he sat down himself he looked around his family. "Good morning" he said with a soft smile.

"Mornin' Ada!" Estel called out bright and happy as he chomped on a piece of toast.

"Ada, What're you looking so wild eyed at?" Elladan called out softly, Elrohir smiled softly and waved around his mouthful of porridge.

Galadriel smiled brightly and sipped her juice as Celeborn nodded his head in politeness. "What are your plans today?" the golden elf lord asked warmly.

"I am not sure, I think I will spend the day reading and resting, I have not had a day off in a while" Elrond said, and Celeborn snorted in agreement.

"That sounds like a really good idea" he said with a soft smile.

After breakfast Elrond went to the little sitting room, just off his office, too terrified to do much else he didn't want his panic to bleed through to anyone else-but he had yet to see Erestor and he knew that he wouldn't find the quiet councillor until he was ready...or until the smell invaded his life. He clamped his eyes shut and took a long deep breath, letting it out he sighed heavily and selected one of his favourite old books he sat down in his overstuffed chair and curled his legs up underneath him, losing himself as best he could in the story.

Erestor for his part rose in the morning and chose one of his more faded robes, selecting his history book he pulled his hair back into its tight braid and exited out his patio doors heading on swift feet towards the gardens, desperate for some fresh air and fresh scenery. He wanted to avoid his office and the accompanying memories that went with it as long as possible. Finding a secluded spot he sat down on the ground and hugged himself tightly before he set to work reading.

He kept getting distracted as his treacherous brain kept asking what Elrond was doing, where he was, what he was feeling, what he was thinking. He looked up from his book and gazed off into space, wondering what would happen if he went to find him-he never would, but he wondered what would happen if he did. A tiny smile took his lips as he bypassed the darkness in his mind and dared to dream for just a moment. He imagined going right up to Elrond, climbing into his lap, pressing his whole body against his lord, and letting Elrond have his way with him. Or even better! Throwing himself into Elrond's bed, devoid of clothing of course, waiting for Elrond to come back, when he would find him he would be shocked of course, what a terrible licentious thing for a councillor to do, but his sacrificial posture would surely do as forgiveness for running out on him so quickly. He sighed softly as he imagined how Elrond would have him, probably in the same rough and gentle way as..."'Restor?" the voice broke through and Erestor's gaze came back to reality, a blush took his cheeks and he cleared his throat. Estel's little face loomed in his vision and he cleared his throat again.

"Estel" He said, and cleared his throat one more time closing his book and putting it in a relatively strategic place in his lap.

"Morning, Erestor, why weren't you at breakfast?" He asked as he plopped down on the ground next to him.

"I was not hungry" came the simple reply.

"Oh. ...why?" Estel asked, gently. He didn't think Erestor had eaten dinner the night before, so why wouldn't he be hungry?

"Because I simply was not...my mind was elsewhere" he said softly.

"I noticed! But you were smilin'! So was it a good elsewhere?" the little boy asked, in an excited hopeful whisper.

Erestor couldn't help but smile as his thoughts quickly returned to Elrond briefly "well sort of" he replied in the same shortened tone.

"Sort of? Why sort of?" he asked, in the way so irritatingly typical in children.

"Well, because while it was definitely a good thought, it could also have a very negative outcome, so I am afraid to think of the good outcome while being threatened with the thoughts of a negative one" he said softly

"oh...well...how does that even work?" Estel asked, confused and concerned.

"Well..." he broke off with a sigh.

"It works when it is all in regards to love" Erestor finally said, after Estel patiently looked at h im for long minutes, waiting for his intelligent tutor to explain further, it was his job after all and Estel would only persist until he was told.

"Love...oh! You have a girlfriend but you're afraid she'll be mad at you! Is that part of why you hurt yourself? 'cos she's super mean to you? That's mean, you should tell Ada, I am sure Ada would be able to help you." Estel babbled and Erestor blushed as all sorts of curious and insidious thoughts infected his mind. Why yes, yes, Elrond _would_ be able to help him...

He opened his mouth to reply and for the third time in the course of less than that many days, his conversation with Estel was interrupted by a member of the royal family. "Estel, why is it you can always find Erestor and bother him while he's laying on the floor?" Elrohir asked gently.

Erestor shrugged his shoulders "He was not bothering me" Erestor said, suddenly wishing he could gag Estel as the little boy grinned conspiratorially up at his older brothers as Elladan joined his brother behind the tree.

"What are you grinning at little one?" Elrohir asked, as the two older boys flopped down in a little triangle around Erestor.

"'cos I know sommat you don't know" Estel sing songed at his brothers, smirking widely.

"Something, Estel, the word is something, and you most certainly do not" Erestor lectured sharply, hoping to instil some sort of silence in the little boy.

But Estel was proud and smug that this little secret did not fall under what he had promised Erestor he wouldn't tell so he just continued to smirk, as Elrohir turned to him with a raised eyebrow and Elladan grinned lightly. "Really now? What sort of sommat do you know?" he asked, excitedly.

"Oh...just you know, sommat, that's kind of fun and sweet" Estel said teasingly.

"Come on Estel! You now have to tell us" Elladan said, a soft pout playing his lips.

Elrohir nodded, "Share with your brothers! We can help you with your secret, to appreciate it and enjoy it greatly" he said

"Ok...ready?": Estel said with a grin as Erestor bowed his head, preparing for yet more teasing and hard times.

"Yes!" The older two echoed together and Estel grinned bright.

" 'Restor has a girlfriend!" he squealed lightly, clapping his little hands.

Both of the older two looked at him with shocked expressions on their faces. "A girlfriend? A lover? Erestor! Really! You've defrosted your loins long enough to use them?" Elrohir teased, with a gentle punch to the shoulder.

"Do you even remember how it's done my friend?" Elladan said, laughing lightly.

"I thought you didn't appreciate the female form? At least that is what I thought I had heard, but again...maybe it's been so long you've changed teams" Elrohir pinged back.

Erestor sighed and forced a warm smile to his face, rolling his eyes and blinking away his tears as best he could. "The imaginations of little boys" he said, rolling his eyes as the older two got up, upon hearing the approach of some of their friends across the way.

"You really do know how to invent stories Estel" Elrohir said as they left quickly to catch up to said friends.

Estel frowned "I don't know why they're so mean to you Erestor" Estel said quietly, looking at his small hands guiltily.

"I would never want to make you feel extra badly, I thought they'd be happy for you the same as me...I'm sorry for being mean Erestor" he said quietly.

Erestor smiled softly and reached out, stroking two fingers across Estel's cheek "You wouldn't do it on purpose Estel, and they are not being mean little one, in their world, and in their minds, as in most peoples, it is only a joke. A friendly, silly camaraderie that should bond us closer together. Your brothers would never understand that it hurts me at all, they cannot imagine how those words would be painful at all" he lectured gently.

Estel noddedhis head, and they sat in quiet companionship for a few moments before Estel spoke. "Well, if you like this girl then I think you should probably say something to her, even if you're scared. I mean, you're already hurt and sad and stuff right? You're already scared of what she might say to you or do to you...so really, asking her can't really make things bad or worse-and if she likes you back, then maybe she can try and help you be happy." Estel said softly.

Erestor smiled at him sadly, once again Estel had seen and comprehended something that he would never have expected from him. "But it's really not that simple" Erestor said, gazing off into space for a few moments.

"Why?" Estel asked, predictably.

"Because sometimes adults..." he broke off, this was really something Elrond should be telling him...Elrond...damn it, he'd gone at least 3 minutes without thinking of the half-elf.

"Ooooh, you mean the things you do alone in the bedroom to make babies?" Estel asked gently.

Erestor cleared his throat and blushed. "well..." he trailed off and shrugged, weak, he knew but he really didn't want to discuss it.

"Are you worried about what you'll do?" Estel asked, confused.

"No...not really...I just...well my secret is difficult to explain" Erestor managed, again, knowing if he didn't provide the little boy with some information he would continue to ask until he got some.

"Oooh, I guess so huh? no one knows about your bleeding, and they might not promise not to tell so you can't really tell anyone because you don't want to have them catch you at it." Estel babbled.

Erestor cleared his throat one more time and nodded his head. There was silence between them again and he looked up as Estel hugged his arm tightly and stood up "I still think you should tell her, because once you tell her that you like her, she just might likle you enough to try and help, and maybe she can understand once you give her enough time to get to like you. It's only wounds...she might think of you like some kind of warrior...they get girls all the time...so you should at least give her a chance to try and like you, even though you do this stuff...you should at least let her try" he repeated, with absolutely no idea of the significance and weight of the statements he had made to Erestor, he pressed a sloppy kiss to the elf's cheek and ran away after his brothers.

Erestor sat there for a long moment and then stood, abandoning his book in the grass under the tree he walked on terrified, nervous legs towards Elrond's office. He knocked once and waited for some sort of hail, hoping against hope that Elrond was actually in there, he let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in when he heard a distracted call to 'Enter' in Elrond's deep and enchanting voice.

He gulped thickly, filled from head to toe with dread as he pushed open the door and walked in. He froze on the doorstep, locking the door without looking behind him, watching Elrond the whole time. The half elf glanced up from his book, distracted, and then his head snapped up as he fully acknowledged who precisely, was in his office.

"Erestor" he gasped and leapt to his feet. Grey eyes shaded with emotion he moved to speak, to apologize, to beg, anything but Erestor shook his head ever so slightly.

"Again" the councillor said, in that dark and desperate voice, this time not tinted with the sharp emotional turmoil of the night before.

Elrond's brows knit together and he narrowed his eyes ever so slightly.

"Again" Erestor repeated softly, his hands shook slightly but he gulped and reared his chin.

Elrond took in a long deep breath, assured of Erestor's meaning he took four steps across the carpet and grabbed Erestor around the waist, yanking him hard against his body he kissed him once again, deeply, passionately. He shoved his tongue deeply into Erestor's mouth and knotted his fists in the baggy black robes, he shoved him backwards into the chair and kneeled on either side of his hips, effectively pinning him in place.

Erestor's kisses were sloppy, clumsy fumblings at first but Elrond taught him and guided him until the councillor fell into his rhythm. He ravished and tasted his whole mouth and his hands wandered freely over Erestor's chest and stomach. After an eternity Elrond moved from Erestor's mouth and yet again took his neck, instead of simple kisses he began to nip and nibble, using his teeth to rouse Erestor beyond anything the scholar had ever dreamed possible. He could only clutch at Elrond's shoulders he did his best to pretend he wasn't there, not wanting to push or upset the tall lord.

At last Elrond forced himself away, breaking off with gentle, sealing kisses he took Erestor's lips several more times and snuggled into the chair next to him as best he could. "Why?" he asked gently, after a long moment of stroking Erestor's face lovingly.

"I...don't know...I just...I was scared last night and I...I have been so alone...for so long, and I've...I've never." he whispered quietly, not sure of how to admit the truth.

"It is alright Erestor, I can tell" Elrond said, immediately aware that it was the wrong thing to say.

Erestor stiffened up and nodded his head once "Forgive me I will try to..." but Elrond cut him off, fingers curling in his hair.

"No. Erestor. Please. I know you have suffered in this way of thinking for a great deal of time so I cannot simply change it with my own words and assurances. And I apologize to you for not watching my words more carefully, But please" His fingers curled around the back of his neck and tightened ever so slightly. Not painfully but with a desperate urgency.

"Please do not apologize. IN the silence of these rooms, and the darkness of our privacy, I want you to let everything and anything go, if you have to cry or scream or yell or be angry or sad...Then you do it. I will always be here for you. In this silent room, together, you will never have to hide from me again" Elrond spoke in his low voice, laced with passion and dripping with urgency and honesty.

Erestor gulped lightly and wiped a few tears from his eyes. "I will do my utmost to hold to that, if you make me a promise of your own" Erestor said softly. He bore up all his courage and reached out to grasp Elrond's warm, smooth hand in his own-he twined their fingers together he squeezed gently, resting his face against Elrond's warm shoulder he leaned up and pressed a soft, nervous kiss to his cheek.

"Promise me that you will never restrain yourself out of fear for me. I may be fragile but I can assure you I am very capable of saying no if I cannot handle anything. I would n ever want you to change anything about yourself or your desires because you fear my reaction. I will say no when I cannot handle some thing, but your advanced experience, and long nurtured desires dictate that you are the practical leader. Your caring nature and willingness to concede indicates to me that you very well..." Erstor continued but Elrond didn't hear most of it. He watched him speak, amused, astonished and falling ever deeper in love. He watched his face as he laid out his case, his deep brown eyes, his demeanour, his intelligence and capability glowed within him. And as he spoke he was entirely shocked at how beautiful and wonderful Erestor still existed in his full and honest condition, underneath the tarnished exterior that grasped him in his grief.

"Do you promise?" Erestor finished, by asking solemnly and with a touch of the steely tone he usually reserved for the council chambers.

"I would not want to hurt you" Elrond said in a careful tone, goading Erestor on purpose in an attempt to bring out the churlish councillor he so desperately wanted to love.

When he next spoke, walking the border between the new curious, frightened, desirous, councillor he was coming to love, and the fake and cold councillor that he had once known. Erestor once again drew all his courage to him and turned in his seat, pressing himself shyly against Erestor, drawing a deep, sexual groan from Elrond's desperate throat. "There will be nothing you can do to stop yourself from hurting me at times, but in this dark silence, in our private quiet, in which I give you freely all my trust, all my soul, everything I have. You can and must only be yourself, and if you do hurt me, then here, in this dark, and in this silence, you can heal me in whatever way you think is best" he said, in a voice full of determination, and nervous curiosity.

Elrond growled again and rubbed against him, wrapping arms around his waist he pulled him, hard against his chest and pressed his lips against Erestor's again, this time the councillor pushed back with more energy than he had before, winding arms around Elrond' shoulders, he ended up in his lap, facing him, while Elrond slid hands over his whole body this time-the sides of his thighs, up his back, down his chest, over his hips, he kept his hand neatly above his waist line, instinctively knowing that Erestor wasn't ready for that just yet.

He tore from his mouth at random intervals to utterly devour his neck, along his jaw, both ears. This time, Erestor surrendered, and the sounds that he was renting from Erestor's lips drove the half-elf wild. A particularly wanton moan caused another growl from Elrond's throat and since he had long undone the long dark hair of his companion, he threaded his fingers through it and yanked hard, pulling Erestor's beautiful head back, exposing his throat, Elrond bit it a little more roughly then before and Erestor's lips parted in a soft groan, fingers spasming in the shoulder of Elrond's robe.

"Elrond" he gasped quietly, his breath coming in short, desperate spurts he gulped thickly, trying to make sense of his thoughts.

"Erestor" Elrond growled in his ear, grip still tight on his hair, he pulled his head sideways and moved in to attack his hear-when a knock sounded at the door.

"Elrond? Still reading?" Celeborn's voice sounded through the door and Erestor's eyes widened as he leapt off Elrond's lap and fell unceremoniously on the floor. Elrond looked at him and his own eyes widened in shock, neither man was ready for the world to know of their relationship.

Erestor scrambled to his feet and tried to re-braid his hair on quick fingers as Celeborn tried the door knob, it rattled in its lock and Elrond cursed silently as he straightened in his chair and tugged his robes to cover the more then obvious area between his legs. "Not really" he called through.

"Ah, well I was wondering if I could discuss something with you" the other lord called back.

"Ah..yes...well...jsut give me a moment" Elrond said and stood up rolling his shoulders, he shot a look at Erestor who scooped up Elrond's forgotten book and made a desperate attempt to make it look like he was leafing disinterestedly through it.

When he had stalled the other lord as long as he could, and Erestor was seemingly occupied innocently in the corner-Condemn all the gods in the world for Erestor was damned irresistible when he was being coy and innocent-Elrond shook his head to rid himself of that thought as he unlocked and pulled open the door to admit Celeborn.

Erestor looked up briefly from his book, his mind wondering over the wonderful morning he'd been having...and though the darkness lurked at the edges of his being he couldn't help but feel a soft thrill of happiness, of joy, and excitement. Maybe his silence wouldn't have to imprison him with his imperfections alone anymore...


	8. Going or staying?

**Why hello everyone, long delays, I know. I've been fighting writers block, my person life got hectic, I started a new job, excuses, excuses, I know. But...Erestor and Elrond had to bide their time. Fortunately for me, they're patient! OK. So I've had some suggestions, and they're GREAT so iluvaikka—Thank you, and here ya go :) I own NOTHING...but a dog...and currently he's sleeping, so he sure as heck ain't getting anything of this...except a nap...so Tolkien owns it...not me. I'm not sure if I've explained Silinde yet-He's my version of Celeborn's counselor, though I'm not sure where he came from, the name may have come from somewhere else...I'm kind of sick right now so I'm not working at 100% capacity...if you've seen Silinde somewhere else and I'm borrowing tell me! I'll change it/give them credit-he's really just a name dropped in...not using, using him. ^_^; There...may...be..some..._ sexy times...ahead...LE GASP. You've. Been. Warned. ENJOY :)**

"Elrond, I was wondering if..." the other lord said, breaking off as he saw Erestor in the corner.

"Forgive me..I" he broke off again, mildly confused-as his understanding had been that Elrond wasn't going to be doing any work at all that day.

"No, it is alright, what can I do for you?" Elrond said, doing his utmost to repress both his irritation and his sexual desire.

"I was wondering if I could lull you outside for a ride in the woods this lovely afternoon" Celeborn said with a soft smile.

Part of Elrond's mind raged, screaming 'absolutely not' and a brief scene rose in his mind, of him throwing Celeborn out out of his office and deny him entrance for a month for his irritating, untimely interruption. But he knew he couldn't deny him-he was family, for one, he wouldn't get to see him for a long time, for another, not to mention that basic propriety would never allow for him to decline the invitation of so important a guest. "Of course" he said, in a polite tone. He turned around, and sent Erestor a secret smile, with a matching glimmer in those oh-so sneaky gray eyes. "We will finish this, later, Erestor, yes?" he asked.

Elrond's tone caused a deep shudder all down his spine, burrowing in his belly, filling him with the strangest anticipation. "Yes, of course, My Lord. I shall see you this evening" he replied, very impressed with himself for how even, and icy his voice seemed, when inside he could barely stand still.

"Shall we then?" Elrond asked, letting out a soft breath as he followed Celeborn out of the office and down the hall.

Erestor couldn't help himself then, as he heard their voices move off down the hall, he hugged the book to his chest and did a little spin across the room.

The voices in his mind, the black cloud of pain would rise again, and Erestor knew he would be flung back into the pit, but for now-there was only Elrond. The warrior turned lord could protect him, from everything, would protect him, from anything.

Erestor suddenly felt that his long standing awareness of every single thing around his person at all times, in such acute detail, was actually a good thing. Normally, this skill, honed from years of needing to know how much he was infringing on those around him, how slow he was working, and how disgusted his fellows were with him, now...he was aware of other things.

He felt how hard he was suddenly shaking, from head to toe, not really shaking, not with cold, shock, blood loss, or fear...but trembling, like a little frightened bird. He felt his shuddering breath, he felt his heart thundering in his chest, his teeth rattling together ever so slightly. He was sharply aware that his hair was tousled, heaped slightly to the right from Elrond's gripping fingers. He was aware of the the hard leather pressing on his thumb, pinky finger, ring finger and middle finger, while he felt the rough paper clenched on his fore-finger-as the book, the last thing Elrond had held before him, hung loosely at his side.

He felt the way his robes hung on his frame, the slight rumble and roiling of whatever emotions had become corporeal in his belly, he felt the way the material skimmed across his legs.

Most delightful of all, as Erestor closed his eyes he could feel soft wet patches on his neck, a tiny stinging at the base of his throat where half-elven teeth had staked their claim. He was strongly aware of the air against the drying tip of one pointed ear, all undeniable, perfect signs, that Elrond had so very recently been attached to him in the most intimate of ways.

He smiled widely, opening his eyes, he hugged the book again as he did another spin around the office, unable to even stand, standing still. He was jarred out of spin, out of thoughts, and slightly out of his happy, indifferent place when he heard someone clearing their throat from the door way.

He whipped around, eyes wide open, shock written across his usually stoic face as he took in Glorfindel's broad figure looming in the door, leaning against the jamb. "I knew you loved your books, Erestor, but to dance with one as if it were a lover?" he asked with his usual warm hearted smile on his lips.

Erestor glared sharply at him for a moment, but the slight hiss of pain in his throat caused a tiny smile to take his own lips, regardless of the Seneschal. "It is a very good book" he related sharply.

"I see" the warrior said, stepping into the office, stepping closer he looked at the cover. "The Layering of Ferns, and the Flowering Plants Found Underneath Them in Lower Middle Earth?"he read lightly, a brow lifted in amusement.

"I am an elf-I do have the right to value plant life-don't I?" he returned, lifting his nose to the air, giving Glorfindel his patented 'I'm better then you and you know it' glare.

Glorfindel-who always seemed immune to it, just smiled back. "I suppose you are-but is there a reason you are valuing it by dancing with it in Elrond's office when the aforementioned elf is not presently accounted for?' the seneschal returned, just as neatly, just as casually.

"He was here up until a minute ago, I'll have you know. And I was just going to my own office" he replied not really sure why he was feeling so friendly with the large warrior. There had always been something between them though, come to think of it, (Elebreth praise his constant awareness yet again) Glorfindel had always been less hostile towards Erestor then the other warriors-even going as far as to defend the counselor outright. Glorfindel seemed to almost understand the nature of Erestor's job and how that effected him.

"Well. Then. I'll leave you to your books-but do you know where Elrond went?" the warrior asked, shaking his head with an amused chuckle-not of mocking but almost amused in a happy sort of way? Maybe? Perhaps?

"He went riding with Celeborn" Erestor replied, feeling a little less solid on his feet, a little less sure of himself.

But even as Glorfindel left, where normally he would be violently upset for this, he would have heard Glorfindel's words and laughter as mocking, painful, horrifying and undignified but now...he just heard amusedness...and passed it off as Glorfindel's, having nothing to do with him...

But he certainly did not want to wait around for anyone -else- to see him in this state.

Still unable to keep the grin from his face he shut and locked Elrond's office door, pelting into his own office, he threw himself into his desk chair.

He felt the oddest feeling building from the bottom of his heart, everything was bright and warm. The world was so close, and all around him and he wondered for a moment if that is what happiness felt like.

Erestor stood in front of his mirror gazing at his black robes, his severe once more tamed dark hair. His mind had managed to convince him 70%...maybe even seventy-five, that Elrond -really- cared about him, really liked him, really felt attracted to him...for some good reason, that Erestor would never understand...Elrond. Really. Wanted. Him.

Only now...with his work day done...and any and all discussions with Silinde finished for the day...he had to decide what to do now.

Elrond's words echoed in his head 'we will finish this later'...which meant that Elrond wanted to keep going. But now...he had to decide what to do, where to go...He certainly had no intentions of going to the Hall of Fire. Though he felt, for the first time in his life, that he had a good reason for going there-Those damned, haunting gray eyes, those careful, deliciously talented fingers, warm lips, so deceptively innocent and calm, capable of delivering the most powerful and convincing oration, but also of the softest and most lascivious moans and pleas.

Erestor shook his head frantically, now was NOT a time for these types of thoughts. If Elrond WAS in the hall of fire, which Erestor had no intention of going to, he would certainly require that they keep their usual ways of acting-at least for the time being. He wouldn't want anything of their relationship public until he had time to speak to his children-at the very least. Perhaps not ever, and while that thought planted some soft seed of doubt somewhere in his mind, Erestor was still too distracted by the problem of finding Elrond, to pay too much attention to it at present.

At any rate, the need to keep up appearances was enough to keep Erestor from the Hall of Fire, because he never went there, ever, unless his presence was politically and /or diplomatically required. So showing up there randomly would definitely generate conversation.

The problem though-was that the Hall of Fire...was most likely where Elrond would be. With Celeborn and Galadriel and his varying other guests. He would be required to be there, as politeness would demand, and would probably, knowing Celeborn's tendency towards comfortable conversation, be there for a very long time. Which brought Erestor to the very heart of his dilemma.

If he went to the hall...that would be some sort of signal to Elrond that he was waiting for him, because he was nervous that his lord would be too afraid to bother him in his quarters. Erestor's great love of privacy, and his seemingly endless desire to be alone fueled that knowledge about him. He knew that Elrond would never, especially with things between them so precarious, want to try and pressure him, infringe on him in any way. So he wanted to give the lord some sort of signal that he was available, that he was waiting for him, and dare he think it? That he wanted Elrond to come to him.

But if the hall was out of commission then what? He could always go to Elrond's office...but there was almost no likelihood that Elrond would go there at all at this time of night so that seemed like an even more foolish idea then going to the hall...well, maybe no -more- foolish, but foolish in its own right. But where? Perhaps, the bold side of his mind caught onto his fantasies, he could go to Elrond's own quarters...yes, he had master keys to every room in the last homely house. He could go in and lay out on his bed, wait for his return-that would leave nothing to the imagination of what he wanted from Elrond.

But...no...that would be far too bold for anything. For anything that he would ever be capable of...no matter how much his imaginative mind dreamed of it. He looked at himself, squarely in the mirror...and pouted.

He wanted Elrond. He wanted to find Elrond. He wanted to be with Elrond. But...he had no way of doing that, no realistic way of going to get the beautiful half elf. That little voice, tiny voice, near non-existent voice in his head whispered to him to screw it all, to go to the hall and tell Elrond, to show Elrond, maybe if he acted bolder, made himself more assertive he would garner Elrond's attention once and for all.

He reared his chin, nodded once and marched purposefully towards the door, he reached out and laid his hand on the knob, turning it, he stopped cold in his tracks and froze.

No. He couldn't do that, it wasn't like him, and if he began to act more aggressive then Elrond would take away his assertiveness, his aggressiveness, the delicious violence that he had begun to love in the half elf. Besides. It was rude...it was lewd...it was so unlike him...and so...different then him, that he was sure that Elrond wouldn't appreciate it. In fact, he was certain Elrond would frown upon it, would dislike it whole heartedly. He closed the door, dropped his hand, and walked slowly back to his spot in front of the mirror.

He ran his hands over his hair,and took a few steps away from the mirror and heaved an irritated sigh. How badly he wanted to go and find Elrond, to be with him! But then...he ran the risk of looking like an impatient school boy...Oh goodness! That was exactly he was!

He took a long deep breath, eager to cool himself down, slow his racing thoughts, and try to regain his calm-calm he hadn't seem to have had for the last 3 weeks. 'He loves me for myself' he told himself, firmly, 'and I am most certainly not a school boy' he began..but the other, more insidious voice told him that he was a decisive elf, and that this sort of foolish indecisive behaviour created an irritating creature that was not the person that Elrond loved.

He pushed himself away from his mirror and went into his small bathing chamber, scooping up a cloth and dipping it into the cool water that lay pooled in the porcelain basin that lay on his counter top. He wiped his face several times and then wrung the cloth out carefully, laying it in his fastidious manner in its place, he dipped his long fingers in the water and smoothed his already smooth hair back from his face once more.

Taking a long, deep, shaky breath he nodded at himself once in the mirror. "he does care for me" he murmured aloud, and then turned and walked back into his bedroom. "why is that so damned hard to believe?" he demanded, louder, as he shook his head, eyes closed, in pained defeat.

"Because" that deep voice echoed in his ears and a soft hand landed on his hip, as a warm, solid body pressed against his from behind.

"You are much too tense, and deeply introverted for all of that" he whispered quietly, his breath dusting across one of Erestor's pointed ears. His other arm winding entirely around the smaller elf's lithe waist.

Erestor gulped, in his distraction he hadn't noticed the door open. He let his head fall back onto his shoulder, letting his eyes flick shyly, nervously to glance up into the gray of his loves. "Tense?" he asked, confused.

"mhm" Elrond groaned lightly in affirmation, pressing the softest of kisses to Erestor's forehead.

Elrond pressed his palms against Erestor's hip bones, and swayed them back and forth in a soft and gentle rhythm, leaning forward he pressed his lips to Erestor's temple, and as Erestor leaned his head to the side, Elrond re-took his neck and pressed soft, gentle kisses to the column.

"Too tense" Elrond repeated between his kisses.

"Does this happen often?" Erestor managed to get out, almost amused at the mock semblance of a conversation.

"Of course. I see it in the healing wings often enough" Elrond replied, conversationally as he left his lips against Erestor's cold flesh as he spoke.

"How tragic" Erestor murmured.

"mhm" Elrond breathed again, turning his lover around he let one hand tangle in Erestor's hair, and wordlessly he crashed their lips together. When Erestor gasped he all but forced his tongue into his mouth, tasting and taking with abandon. Erestor wasn't sure what to do but Elrond curled his tongue around Erestor's and encouraged the other elf to reciprocate and nervously, he did. Elrond tasted like...nothing Erestor could consciously place, but that could easily be due to the fact that Elrond was stealing the very thoughts from his mind before he could have them.

Elrond backed him up towards his bedroom, and suddenly, Erestor was once again intrinsically aware of everything around him and broke the kiss as suddenly as flicking a switch. "What..." he began and Elrond tried not to flinch.

"Forgive me...I should not have...assumed" the lord said, softly.

"No..I..I should have assumed" Erestor retorted quickly, breathing hard, his chest heaving as his lust mixed with anxiety and made it damn near impossible to take the simple action.

"Never. Erestor. I told you already. I will not push you." Elrond said, carefully determined.

They stood like this for a long couple of minutes, Erestor standing framed in his door jamb, and Elrond at least a foot away.

"What. Are you so afraid of?" Elrond asked finally, in a voice full of the same careful determination-he knew that he was worried, afraid of _some_thing but never saying what.

Erestor gulped and looked up at Elrond, there was a shyness in him that was being tainted by that blackness, his inky poison had contorted and he wondered what it was about Elrond that changed this in him.

"Tell me. Erestor" he said quietly, insistently.

"No." He said, his lips pressing tightly together.

"Why not." Elrond asked quietly.

"Because." was the simple reply.

"This isn't like you" Elrond retorted, sharply.

"No." again, simple and quiet.

Elrond's jaw tightened and he nodded once. "And you will not tell me why?"

Erestor gulped and opened his mouth several times, closing it at last in defeat. He shrugged, weakly.

Elrond reared his chin and took a deep breath, letting it out in a restrained sigh. "I respect that. Completely. So, let's talk." he said and took several steps backwards to the couch in front of the fire.

Erestor let out a soft sigh but followed him and sat down on the chair about 4 feet from the couch. "About what?" he asked, softly.

They talked, awkwardly, strained at first, but as they turned to subjects that they were both extremely comfortable the situation eased between them. Elrond felt as if Erestor was desperately trying to make everything the same as it had been-but Elrond refused to. He saw this for something that he believed Erestor was used to deflecting like this-if Elrond gave up, and stopped trying to win his heart, then it would prove to Erestor that he wouldn't love him. The healer in Elrond knew that it was a way for Erestor to prove to himself that Elrond loved him, because he was willing to push through all the fronts, and guards that Erestor was putting up. If Elrond could do that-then Erestor couldn't doubt it, there would be too much evidence for that.

So armed with this surety gathered Erestor into his arms as they talked, he touched Erestor's face and hands while they talked. He pressed kisses to his cheek, lips, and forehead when he affirmed what Erestor was saying. They laughed together and Erestor seemed to relax into his arms as time went along. It was growing late- but not _too_ late when a sharp knock on the door sounded through the room.

Erestor sighed, heavily and closed his eyes. There was only one person, aside from Elrond that would bother him in his rooms this late at night. He held out his hand asking Elrond to stay silent and out of sight, his lord nodded once and Erestor went into his tiny parlour."Yes? Melpomaen?" he heard Erestor ask, and then the young scribe's voice went on for a long moment. And then Erestor released an irritated sigh.

He gave a directive, telling his young assistant to go to his office and retrieve some document or another and then he came back into the main room, smoothing his hands over his hair-a gesture that Elrond was fast coming to recognize as not just a nervous tic, but something that Erestor did purposefully, as if to soothe the rumpled thoughts in his brain more then the already smooth hair on his head.

"Is everything alright?" Elrond asked, as he stood up.

"Yes...well...not really, but it will be soon" He replied quietly.

Elrond simply lifted a brow to prompt him onwards. "There was an accident with some of the food intended for the next feast, as well as something with the wine...they're not really sure what to do and I need to look into some of our reserves to see what I can do..." he trailed off as Elrond's disappointment etched into every part of his face.

"Do you ever wish that we could be simple, ordinary people?" Elrond asked, with a soft smile.

"You. Have. No. Idea." Erestor said, a soft flash of something darker then simple agreement in his eyes.

Elrond nodded his head and sighed softly "well..." in that moment, Erestor looked at him and bit his bottom lip-hard. All night he had been stalling, and things had just begun to take a slightly more intimate turn, his confidence, dashed so sharply by the encounter with his bedroom door, had begun to restore itself slowly and now this. So, for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last 2 days, Erestor drew all his courage around him and smiled at Elrond. "Why don't you just stay here? I...I should not take too long in garnering the information that will be required, and after that it will be up the cooks and servers to make use of that information in their own unique ways...I...you..are...I mean...you are welcome of course, to leave if you wish but..." Erestor trailed off as Elrond stood up, grateful for Erestor's sweet, brave offer.

"I would love to stay here and wait." He assured him, laying a hand on his shoulder, then moving it slowly up to the side of his neck.

"I know that my words will take a long time to wash over you, but please, try to be less nervous...I am not angry for the way you are and I will not push you...I only do my best to honour your requests" Elrond said softly and leaned forward, kissing him warmly.

Erestor smiled as Elrond pulled away and settled himself back on the couch, leaning over to grab a book Erestor nodded once and then moved away, walking towards the door Elrond heard it open, and began to focus his attention on the words in front of him, when arms wrapped around him and he quite suddenly had a lap full of councilor. Erestor pressed his lips, hard, against Elrond's, this time initiating everything he seemed to take a shy, nervous delight in the fact that it was his tongue first in Elrond's mouth, that Elrond was sitting underneath him,stunned, and confused, shocked and utterly aroused. After a moment Erestor pulled away, stood up, and marched purposefully out the door, a smile playing his lips as Elrond looked after him, with unabashed delight etched onto every feature.


	9. Staying

** Hello. Look! Chapter 9! Huzzah! Two in one day to make up for my shameful disappearance...:D Thank you Thank you Thank you for your continued reviews and support... Sexy times? I think so. Angsty times? I think so. _Get. Yourselves. Safe._ I am always here-so e-mail me or what have you. I'm here :) Elrond says a bad word...again! Damn those half-elves and their potty mouths. What else? I'm not sure...nothing I think. Speaking of nothing? You know what I own? That's right! A dog! Tolkien owns these sexy elves not me...so with that said...ENJOY! **

Elrond only managed to read for a few minutes..he had never been in Erestor's private rooms before. Certainly in the doorway, but never inside...Erestor was so private.

He knew he shouldn't...but he so badly wanted to know, his guilty thoughts that he knew nothing about Erestor had plagued him since he'd first had them. He wanted to know all about him...he wanted to know things about Erestor, he was desperate to know his private thoughts, the thoughts that Elrond could recall dancing in beautiful brown eyes but that never took voice.

At first, he looked around, simply with his eyes. It was decorated quite simply, with dark furniture, he had a table in front of his his couch, and a small round table on the other side of the chair to the side. The small table was stacked with books on top, and a small stack on the shelf underneath, one half of the longer table was covered in papers, all written in Erestor's smooth hand. The other half held a beautiful chess set, and it was set up as if someone was in mid-game...but he was sure that Erestor had no visitors...so...Erestor played by himself? Against himself? It seemed almost lonely...but oh so very Erestor. There was a set of wine glasses in the far right corner, upside down on a silver platter. A crystal decanter in the middle, half filled with a rich red wine that Elrond couldn't identify by sight alone.

This seemed an innocent enough reason to get up and touch things, so he reached out and pulled off the lid of the decanter, one deep sniff told him it was a robust red wine from the shire, again, very Erestor, not the finest in the world, but not anything bad or mediocre, just...Erestor.

Elrond began to drift around the room, noticing things in more detail. The sideboard held an old tea pot, sort of rusted, but well taken care of. It was old, but not ancient, it was well used, but not misused. It had some initials carefully inscribed on it, and Elrond ran his fingers over the writing wondering who it had belonged to.

The rest of the side board was bare of anything personal and Elrond saw through the glass doors that the shelves didn't hold mementos from childhood, or things he wanted to keep safe for the future, but with more books, charts, maps, and scrolls. Stacked in careful piles, carefully kept free of dust, and well taken care of, waiting for their master to come back to them.

He moved along the sideboard, there were two other doors, and the small hallway that led back to the front door of Erestor's little apartment. He knew the door on the far side of the room was the one that led to his bedroom-it had stood partially open when Elrond had first arrived there, and that had been why he had been so able to try and guide his would-be lover to that place. He walked across the room carefully and stepped inside. The room was...yet again, very Erestor. A wide and simple bed, made up with warm blankets and black sheets. Pillows neatly in place, a book lay on the bedside table, and the only thing out of place- a glass of water, half drunk still stood there. It seemed rather innocuous, but it struck Elrond, very deeply. It seemed as if this simple object of comfort created in Elrond a new picture of Erestor-something else that he felt guiltily that he had never considered. His chief counselor was always so careful, so put together, so calm-and obviously that was wrong. Elrond realized now, that he had never once stopped to think that Erestor -was- an elf. That he did have basic elven needs, like food and drink, and while he had been delighted at the taste of the tea that Erestor drank, Elrond never paused to think of the simple every day things that Erestor must have done to make himself feel better, to live comfortably. He walked into the room and ran a hand over the simple coverlet, and then he pulled open the wardrobe. His guilt was coming and going, he knew he shouldn't be doing any of this, but he wanted to...he felt almost...drawn to do it, by some force outside of his reason.

Looking inside the wardrobe he almost laughed aloud, it was separated into two distinctly different sections. The left hand side was a section of black robes, all similar, billowy and neat and tidy. Probably 6 or 7 of them. The other side was a collection of more colourful robes, some in blues or greens, one in a dark red, and some in black with delicate embroidery in various colours. They were nearly brand new, and one still had a receipt from the seamstress attached to it. He laughed for real this time, and he closed the door and opened another wardrobe, and found that this one was filled with personal things. A few woman's gowns, a much older, formal, court robe hung to the right, and a small shelf held a pair of tiny black shoes. A shelf underneath that held a small row of black leather books. He reached out and picked one up, flipping it open he found written in a childish hand a passage marked with a date _"I don't understand why Ada hates me so...I suppose I'll just have to try harder. I've never known a father to hate his own son, but logic dictates that since I'm a child and he's an adult...so he must know better. Therefore, I must be stupid. I guess I'll just have to try harder._ Elrond looked up, it was a diary, or a journal of some sort. He gulped, thickly and shook his head-Erestor's own father? He took another and opened to a random page. _Well...that was...that...that was disgusting wasn't it? Why on earth would I want her to do that to me? I mean...her mouth there? What am I to do with my hands? My eyes? Does she not see that it is so much more then just a meeting of the bodies...certainly I imagine it would feel good, but I do not think I could subject myself to such a boring experience...not unless I wanted...not unless it were to mean something._ This time the hand was more sure, much more trained and careful, though Elrond could feel the shaky awkwardness of the young elf's thoughts as he tried to contemplate the act that Elrond was sure Erestor had fled from in the same fashion that he had from Elrond himself. Filled with anger, and worry and hurt on Erestor's behalf, and feeling that same drive from within, he flipped several pages ahead and read a little more. _What a horrible day. I was the only one to pass that exam? And now the rest are convinced that I have surrendered my body to our instructor. Good Gods! We are 45 years old for Elebreth's sake! Why does everything in the world revolve around sex? Why does THIS have to be the ONE thing that everybody wants to talk about? Perhaps if they focused less on their genitals and more on their work they would pass their exams a little better..._ the passage trailed off and as Elrond poised to turn the page he spotted a smear of blood and an added sentence, written in congealed, dried brown blood _Why am I such a freak? Why can't I just be like everyone else?_ He frowned, heavily as something wet and circular smudged the blood on the page and he reached up and touched his wet cheek in confusion. 'Poor Erestor'...he thought to himself and shook his head, though guilt flashed through his whole body as he knew that his own incorrigible antics at 45 were quite similar apparently, to many of Erestor's classmates-though he had done well on -his- exams. He wiped his tears away feverishly and closed that book, putting it back carefully, he picked up another one and opened it. _Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn arrived today. Lady Galadriel frightens me endlessly. I must always be on guard with her...I am so terrified she will look into my eyes and see my arms...or worse. Silinde will be here for the duration and unfortunately that means that I will have to suspend lessons with Estel. How cruel it is for him to have to be my only confidante, but in part I cannot stop him from his antics, and he found me...he discovered me...that has no fault of my own._ As the words took on a sort of more hysterical note,and the ink grew darker as if his hand drew down harder in his pain and then suddenly the writing changed into a queer rigid form, taking on a different note entirely. As if another person had taken the pen from Erestor and began to write. _You. Useless. Sniveling. Brat. You are a stupid, ignorant elf. Elrond should kill you for your incompetence. Look what you are doing to that poor child. You have destroyed his innocence and his life. _ Many of the rest of the words were blurred out by an endless flow of blood. Which had long since dried, pictures and endless apologies had been written in that blood. Elrond frowned, so Estel had known about Erestor's problem...he glanced at the date-and he gasped. This entry was dated the night of the opening feast. Putting the book back Elrond gulped, suddenly feeling the pain of knowing too much. He now knew things he wished he hadn't, all he wanted to do was run to Erestor, assure him that if Estel had found out on his own, it was ok, that he should never fear Galadriel, for she respected people's private thoughts and space. To reassure him, to hold him, to kiss away the pain and agony of his childhood. The agony of whatever it was that had created Erestor in this way...but he couldn't...because Erestor could never know that he had seen it. He now had to pretend that he had never seen it, he had to go back to the way things had been as if he had never gotten this glimpse into his agony. He walked out of the room and looked at the other door.

The other door, stood half open, and from his angle now directly across from it, he could see it was Erestor's bathroom. His darker thoughts settled down a bit as he looked into it, catching sight of a big indulgent bathtub. He was filled suddenly with both curiosity and lust as he thought of going to the place where Erestor was the most vulnerable and naked, and so he made his way across the room. Noting with interest that there was very little to actually note in the main room.

He nudged the bathroom door open and peered into the room at first, once again, just visually examining the room. The feelings he had before of being reticent to touch Erestor's things returned, and he knew that he probably shouldn't be doing this, invading Erestor's privacy like this...but as he looked around his eyes caught sight of the white marble bath tub and he bit down on his bottom lip, he did everything to fight that off, but he moved forwards and reached forward and placed a hand on the cool side. Closing his eyes he imagined what it would be like to lower Erestor in here, to wash his silky hair...he opened his eyes, not wanting to be so rude as to spill himself on his own hand in Erestor's private bathroom.

Clearing his throat he turned on his heel to walk and and then his lips fell open and he narrowed his eyes as he caught sight of a strange table, oddly out of place in the well shelved bathroom. He took several steps forward reaching out he ran careful fingers over the black velvet cloth that laid over top of something that laid on the surface. He narrowed his eyes slightly, and while there was a feeling coursing through his veins that he KNEW he shouldn't be in here, that he KNEW he had no right to see what was underneath this cloth, he was in a downward spiral and he absolutely needed to know...and so almost against his will he reached out, took the cloth between his fingertips, ever so gingerly, and pulled hard.

He gulped, thickly, and he shook his head in revulsion. His lips pressed hard together and he shook his head again, dropping the cloth in his shock. A small series of daggers and knives were carefully, obsessively lined up on the table under the cloth. The whole surface of the glass table was destroyed, it was slashed and gouged, there were melted burn marks, but most of all it was lacquered with layers and layers of blood. A lot of it was older, turned an ugly dark brown colour with time. No insects were around, and for some reason it did not smell-and in some odd way, Elrond felt as if Erestor took great care of this table. Candles sat on each corner of the table, and each one sat in a pewter candle holder in the shape of twisted demonic shapes, each held a small metal sword or spear and when Elrond reached out to touch one of the hideous creatures, he found the small cylindrical piece of metal rattled from the grip of the thing and fell loose, it hit the ground with a soft clang and Elrond leaned over and picked it up, a soft gasp broke his lips as he saw that small bits of flesh had been fused to the metal, unable to be cleaned off by the very fact that they were melted on, probably layers of flesh, over time...

Gulping again Elrond replaced the metal rod as best he could and leaned over picking up the black cloth he all but threw it over top of the table again-not baring to look at Erestor's instruments of torture any longer.

He backed up out of the room, horrified, this time, it was _his_ distraction that caused him to miss the door opening, the footsteps across the floor, and as he backed up, eyes still pinned to the now covered gruesome sight, the half-elf came into direct contact with Erestor's thin chest.

Gulping Elrond turned around and looked down, Erestor glanced up at him, his face set in a grim line as he reached around and pinched out the lantern light that hung in the bathroom with his bare fingers. "I have solved the problem" he said, calmly, in a voice devoid of emotion.

Elrond gulped softly "That is good" he said quietly, and Erestor nodded once.

Gray eyes met brown and they looked at each other for a long moment. "What did you see?" Erestor asked after a moment.

"I..." Elrond began, he didn't want to lie...but he felt guilty at what he had done.

"Why?" Erestor asked, there was slight hurt in his eyes, but nothing major.

"I..." he continued, and sighed, this darkness in Erestor, this strangeness...this was something that Elrond was not used to. Something in his mind told him that this darkness that settled in him, turning his eyes black, clawing lines along his face, drew his shoulders in, caused Erestor to look at him wildly through his long dark hair, like some sort of angry, guarded animal, was the writer of that queer rigid writing, berating Erestor for his supposed foolishness. "You? Is this punishment? Punishment for my reticence to speak to you?" the counselor threw back at him, through gritted teeth.

Elrond opened his mouth "No, my curiosities were born out of a desire to know you." he said softly in return. Slight irritation in his voice, he knew he had done wrong, but this side of Erestor just assumed the negative, and it irked something within Elrond.

"You could have asked" Erestor pointed out, walking to his wine glasses, he poured one for himself and made a gesture, offering Elrond one, but Elrond declined angry now.

"I have tried. But you do not say anything! You sit there, afraid of me, I know this is new and I know this is hard...but you sit there in your silence making no effort!" He roared suddenly slamming the goblet out of Erestor's hand.

Erestor whirled on him. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I'VE SPOKEN BEFORE?" Erestor screamed back, his voice a whirlwind of emotion. It smacked into Elrond with an almost physical force and his anger deflated almost immediately.

A full moment of silence passed between them. They looked at each other, Erestor breathing hard, panting as if he had just run 10 miles, Elrond was standing stalk straight, and very still. Then Erestor leapt across the spance between them throwing the taller half elf to the floor, he straddled him completely, pinning his arms to his sides with his knees. His hand slid up the side of Elrond's face and he dug his nails in, turning it sharply to the side, dragging his nails hard down his face until he grabbed his chin pushing his head all to the side, exposing the column of his neck "You want to know something about me?" He hissed against his neck, biting the half elf sharply, Elrond cried out in mixed pain and pleasure and shock.

"Look and see what I am. And then decide again." Erestor growled and sat back and ripped his robes off all at once. He threw the scraps away from his body and squeezed Elrond's ribcage with his thighs to make him look. Elrond took in what he saw, his mouth open in shock and horror.

"My god Erestor" Elrond gasped.

He saw the scars, the writing, the symbols, there seemed to be an entire patch hacked off his once perfect shoulder, as if he had peeled the skin from his muscle. There wasn't even a small hairs breadth of an inch where there wasn't any mark. The marks were layered on-hundreds, nay, thousands of years worth of damage. He was so thin, painfully thin, fearfully thin, not deathly thin...but thin enough for Elrond to wonder if this was another punishment, starving his body like this...

Erestor had lost some of his confidence, as he had that first night when Elrond had seen him like this. Defeat and tiredness riddled Erestor's countenance and he sighed softly rearing his chin, that darkness glittered behind his eyes though as he let Elrond look and examine.

Elrond wanted to ask why...but he knew that he wouldn't have an answer, and that it would only spark another argument. Besides, thinking of those journals, he felt lightly as if he was beginning to understand.

"This is why you have been afraid of me? Of me seeing you? Of us being together?" Elrond finally decided to ask, serious, old eyes fixed on Erestor's face.

Erestor reached out and stroked gentle fingers down Elrond's bloodied face. After a long moment of silence, during which Elrond became convinced that Erestor wasn't going to tell him. Erestor finally said "yes"

Elrond wiggled underneath him, and Erestor fell back, blushing with shame he grabbed at a blanket that was under the couch and wound it around his frame. "I am...I'm sorry" he muttered, not sure how to make his behaviour okay.

Elrond shook his head and leaned forward winding his arms around Erestor's frame, pulling him back against his chest, and for the longest moment, they sat in front of the fireplace, feeling each others breathing. Each was caught up in his own thoughts as they stared straight forward, broken only by the crackle of the fire.

They sat there for what seemed like hours but in reality it was just minutes. The silence was finally broken by the soft thick wet drop of blood on Erestor's bare collarbone. He looked up and bit down, hard, on his lip-he had not realized he had done that much damage to his lord. He Shifted in his lap so he was facing Elrond completely, and tears welled up in his eyes as he looked into those beautiful gray eyes.

"Oh Erestor, please don't cry. Please. Please. I cannot bear another tear from you, not at this moment." he murmured.

Erestor reached up and touched the blood on his face, brushing it away with his cold fingertips he looked down at the glistening red on his white skin. "I hurt you" he whispered.

Elrond shrugged one shoulder. "I'd rather you make me bleed a thousand rivers of blood, then ever spill another drop of your own" he replied with a visceral passion that burnt a never to be closed hole right through Erestor's frozen heart.

He looked up at him "I can't promise that" Erestor said, softly, his voice trembling with the force of Elrond's emotion.

"I know. But I don't give a damn how much you have to hurt me, to be free. I would hurt, no..I would live through all the most painful deaths in the world, if it meant that you could be free of this pain, forever." Elrond said in return.

Erestor opened his mouth several times, closing it each time, he shook his head, tears flowing down his face "even though you have seen what I am..." he whispered.

"Because" Elrond retorted, arms winding around Erestor's waist as he pushed him to the ground. "I have seen what you are"

Erestor opened his mouth and Elrond leant over, sealing anymore words between them by pressing his lips hard against him. Elrond's tongue flew into Erestor's mouth and this time Erestor gave no hesitation in mingling his tongue with Elrond's.

He trembled with terror as Elrond stroked his hands down his face and neck, moving to push the blanket down his chest to pool at his waist. He pressed his legs together, instinctively afraid of anything further-and Elrond stopped on his hips, massaging his hands back up his bare-scarred, bony back as a way of showing him that he had no intention of pushing his lover too far, or too fast.

Erestor gulped thickly around the kiss and then pulled away as Elrond moved to his neck, attacking it in the way that Erestor had already grown so use to.

Elrond's hands though, now with free reign, were never still. He moved them from the small of his back to his chest, rubbing up and down Erestor couldn't help the groan that moved through his throat as soft healers palms found his nipples, rubbing gently with just the warm, flat surface.

The half-elf laughed lightly as he moved his kisses down his loves neck to the collarbone on the left side, licking up and down the exposed bone, he grinned lasciviously at the cry that he elicited when he bit down on the bone, gnawing lightly he pushed Erestor's hips back down, amused that they'd arched unconsciously up for more contact. Erestor groaned lightly and looked up at him through shy lashes, "I'm sorry" He murmured softly.

"Don't ever be sorry" Elrond growled and bit down again, his fingers clawed and he took a pebbled nipple between each thumb and fore-finger, pinching sharply he laved his tongue down his entire sternum to his navel, swirling his tongue inside he pulled back to watch Erestor arch and pant and twist under his hands.

"Ngggh, your...mouth" the elf panted, underneath him, his back twisting as he tried to get Elrond to touch him with more then teasing fingertips.

"Where?" Elrond asked, softly, leaning over to breathe the words over the glistening wet patch on his chest.

"My...scars...any...pick...one" he moaned out as Elrond pulled hard on the right and soothed the left with his palm.

Pulling his hands down he stroked hard down Erestor's sides, teasing at his bony hips, he pressed his thumbs into indentation and Erestor cried out in earnest pleasure as his back arched trying to escape the pain, but bring more of the pleasure. When Erestor had settled back down he leaned over and picked one long, pick scar and pressed the tip of his tongue to the bottom of the raised flesh and laved his tongue from top to bottom.

This time, it was Elrond's turn to gasp in shock. Erestor's flesh was ice cold, but his scars seemed almost to be burning. He took the raised part of the scar tissue in his front teeth and nibbled lightly, he tugged on it and Erestor gasped, still roiling under his restraining thumbs.

Elrond released his hips and crushed him to the floor with his weight as he leaned over and kissed Erestor, hard on the mouth, tasting, sucking, nibbling, biting, taking.

His hands sought other large scars, feeling them warm under his fingertips, he left Erestor's lips after a while and turned his attention to the 2 or 3 square inch patch of pink on his shoulder. He pressed a kiss to it, this one soft, and gentle, some of the wild passion between them had dissipated. Erestor's lust darkened eyes opened and he reached out with one shaking hand to caress the side of Elrond's jaw. "I am sorry if it is frightening" he murmured.

Elrond smiled sadly, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before going back, pressing soft kissing all along the perimeter of the square. "Only because I did not see it. I wonder how I could not see it. How I could be so damned blind." he murmured.

"You cannot be blind when no one wishes you to see" Erestor replied quietly.

Elrond looked up at him, his lips set in a grim line, he laced his fingers through Erestor's hair "Please...try not to hide from me again" he murmured.

Erestor nodded "I can promise to try" he replied.

"That is all I ask" the half-elf said and leaned forward kissing him one more time.

Erestor kissed him back and then reached up. "Elrond..." he began, slowly.

"mmm?" Elrond groaned as once again his attention was taken by Erestor's bony shoulder.

"You're a little over dressed for this aren't you?" Erestor asked, quietly.

"I think I would agree" Elrond returned and very slowly he raised his hands to undo the clasps of his robes, but a thrill of delight ran through his body and down his spine when Erestor reached up, beating him to it he slowly, nervously began to undo them himself.

Brown eyes focused on his work, Elrond could sense that his lover wasn't quite confident enough to totally engage, so he made no moves, no words, nothing to deter the darkling from his steady course. The half-elf quietly thanked his lucky stars that he had dressed in such haste he wore his robes only. He had them undone to his waist before Erestor realized that, but, after a very long pause, and a paling of his already pale flesh, Erestor bit his lip and did them back up by two clasps, so they pooled at Elrond's waist and then reached out with one hand.

It shook like a leaf in a wind storm but the ice cold hand landed on Elrond's chest and the lord repressed a gasp as the cold crawled through his flesh instantly turning his own nipples into sharp pointed nubs with no real stimulation. He held very still, not wanting to spook his lover, but Erestor just let his hand sit there, in the middle of his sternum and it began to get hard.

When Erestor spoke, Elrond jumped-having been so focused on the ripples of pleasure and desire that radiated out from that icy hand. "I do not know what to do. Elrond. Please, do what you would do...and I will attempt to follow. Remember..." he said softly, trailing off, needing the other to understand.

Elrond nodded and leaned forward, resuming his attentions to the scars on Erestor's upper chest he kissed, licked, nibbled and trailed each one. Erestor gulped thickly and leaned forward moving his cold hand along his chest and then over his shoulder to settle on the back of his neck under his mass of dark hair. He brought his own warmed lips onto the side of Elrond's neck, nipping gently he shuddered as Elrond growled low in his throat-and relinquished all control he had been holding over himself.

He lowered his mouth and bit down, hard on one of the more raised scars and Erestor arched underneath him, fingers clawing on his back he gently scratched down.

They kissed like this for a long time, exploring, searching, seeking, claiming, taking, needing, wanting. Elrond showed Erestor all the things that long years of loneliness had denied him. His hands were more then healing now, they were saving, rescuing, giving life. Erestor drowned in Elrond and couldn't have been more happy. As the moments passed, and Elrond gave, and gave, Erestor felt not only the desire but the need to reciprocate and he returned everything. Creating moves with his own clever hands that drove Elrond to the edge of his control and past it.

He claimed all parts of Erestor-except his most intimate part, which Elrond honoured and respected. It was well into the night when they broke apart for the hundredth time, and the half elf played his fingers through his darkling's long hair. They felt like younglings, and Erestor had no desire for Elrond to leave his company...but both would have long days tomorrow if they did not sleep and the pull of exhaustion was pulling at them both. His own long stint of not sleeping appropriately was suddenly running rampant through his mind and body. "You look tired my beauty" Elrond said quietly.

Erestor blushed "I am so sorry" He murmured.

Elrond shook his head "I said no apologies in this quiet"

"I should be ..." Erestor began but Elrond silenced him with a kiss and then pulled away.

"You should not." he interrupted.

"But it isn't..." he began again, but Elrond kissed him once more

"It is."

"Don't you want?" Erestor tried once more

Elrond shook his head, picked Erestor up and carried him several steps across the room. Erestor's eyes were pinned on Elrond but when he set him on the ground and helped him to steady on his feet-for the smaller elf was still trembling in his new found pleasure-Elrond turned him around to face the mirror.

Erestor recoiled but Elrond wound his arms tightly around Erestor's bony frame, glad for the mirror view, as he openly, unabashedly admired the bulge in Erestor's black pants. Erestor blushed when he saw that look but physically flinched again when he took in himself one more time. "This. Is what I want. Erestor." the half elf purred in Erestor's ear.

Erestor turned his head away and closed his eyes, but Elrond wrapped long fingers around Erestor's neck and squeezed until Erestor opened his eyes in shock, lips parting as he gasped uselessly for air. "This. Is. What. I. Want." he repeated, slowly, squeezing once before releasing him, knowing now that Erestor was focused on the image in the mirror.

"But...I...I..." Erestor whispered, in spite of Elrond's force.

"You are flawed. Cracked. Broken." Erestor looked up at him and gulped, pain in his eyes.

"But only on the outside" Elrond continued. "You look in the mirror and you see problems, you see something disgusting, something that deserves to be punished, something that isn't good enough for anything. I see someone. An elf, that I love, and rely on, and trust, and need in my life..." he murmured quietly. Kissing the tip of his ear he turned the crying elf around in his arms.

"I don't know what I feel for you, and I'm not sure when I started to feel it...but for now I want to wipe those tears away, carry you to your highly under-used bed...and make sure you actually sleep for more then ten minutes." He said, a smile toying with his full lips.

Erestor smiled at him in spite of his tears and leaned up, kissing him hard. "I did say you could heal me in any way you see fit" Erestor said, wiping the tears from his eyes as he pulled away he managed a saucy wink and slipped off to his bathroom, preparing for bed he left Elrond in the living room, thrilling from head to toe. "I fucking love you" he whispered careful that it was only to himself, before walking towards Erestor's bedroom, turning down the covers-unsure if Erestor had a side.


	10. Times are changing

**Holy crap so without school apparently I write a lot less-which may hve something to do with the fact that I work like..ALL THE TIME. But with school starting soon (YAY) and work calming down I'm back :D WARNING ERESTOR IS EXTREMELY ANGSTY IN THIS CHAPTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE SAFE! THANK YOU**

**Erestor83: Fortunately, my sickliness has an entire box at my disposal :) Thanks for your ongoing reviews! :D**

**Kura: Thank you thank you thank you and sorry for the extended delays :P Life you know? Crazy thing that! But I hope my recent bout of creativity makes up for it :) Thank you so much for your continued reviews**

**Iluvaikka: Thank you thank you again, thank you for the suggestions, I shall try to include those things and thank you for your reviews! :) **

**To everyone else I may have forgotten: Thank you :D For all of your support/reviews/love and other things. Enjoy this next chapter...and feel free to contact me at any time if you need anything :) Tolkien's...NOT MINE. ENJOY.**

Elrond couldn't help but smile as he took in the sight in front of him, Erestor, sitting propped against his pillows, sitting against the headboard, his knees drawn to his chest as he tried desperately to look anywhere but at Elrond.

The half-elf noted too, his smile fading slightly-that Erestor's side was delineated by the soft blotted lines and faded, long washed out pools of blood that covered and smeared over the sheets that he sat on and amongst.

He crawled in the other side however, undaunted and settled into the bed, fixing his head on the pillow and trying to forget that he was wearing the leggings that went under his robes and nothing else. He was not used to garments while he slept, but he knew that Erestor would abide nothing else so he soothed his slightly burning cheek against the pillow.

Erestor noticed and his dark eyes fluttered downwards, but Elrond shook his head gently and smiled again, patting the bed, to try to urge the other to take a more comfortable position.

A moment's pause and he did, easing down the bed to lie next to the other, Erestor held himself stiff. He was deeply aware of his own breathing, he knew approximately how much space lay between his hand and Elrond's. His hip and Elrond's hip, his side and Elrond's side. He knew how much movement it would take to bring them into contact, what kind of contact that would be, how...

His thoughts broke off as Elrond shifted in bed and wrapped long arms around Erestor's waist and all but dragged him across the bed until they were flush together, yet again. "Erestor...I know you are frightened, but I will not let it stop me." he the half elf said, firmly before pressing their lips together gently, letting him go, Elrond let his eyes drift half shut, calling for sleep to take him before he did anything else to push the new-found boundaries between himself and the other.

And this was how it went. 3 weeks went by, and each day passed with more means to mark it then ever before, for both men. Elrond spent his days wishing he could be more, do more, say more, have more, anything...he wanted all of Erestor. Everything that the slender elf was, was what Elrond wanted.

But of course, he had to be cautious, he was too afraid to upset Erestor, to push him away, to frighten him. Erestor was unlike any person that Elrond had ever taken an interest in before. He was delicate, and gentle-but not in a womanly way. Not in the way his wife had been. No. Erestor was delicate because Elrond found that the simplest throw-away comment could do irreversible damage to his would-be lover.

One incident involving a book that Elrond had been looking for, found in a back section of the library, Elrond had casually, thinking to tease his friend, said "Erestor, a book out of place, really?" the type of comment he had made a dozen times and more in his life time. What a terrible mistake that had been. His love had denied him access for 2 days, and when Elrond finally convinced Erestor to let him see him. He discovered new wounds, and a message geared towards chastising the body's master on his habits of cleanliness.

Having said nothing, Elrond had taken the experience as meaning that perhaps he desperately needed to keep his tongue far more in check then it ever had been before.

Watching his comments like this, was quite tiring, but Elrond hadn't lied-he would do anything to try and keep Erestor. For the most part too, that seemed to be working.

Erestor rarely-only on those hurt occasions- forbade Elrond from seeing him, from touching him. They played chess and talked intimately every night.

On the fifteenth night in fact, Erestor had let Elrond in, and when the lord had turned from locking the door, he found Erestor wearing a loose fitting shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and tight, comfortable looking black pants. Revealing more of his flesh, of his own volition then ever before.

They hadn't shared a bed though, since that first night. Something that Elrond was not exactly happy about-but he also knew that he would have to give Erestor his time, and on some level he knew that rushing this would not be good for him either. Things would be better when given time-most things were, but it didn't make it any less frustrating when he was out in the cold hallway, outside Erestor's quarters, wishing that he wasn't going to a cold room, to a cold bed, and his own hand. He was glad though, that the days, in spite of his wishing and wanting, were going on as normal. Filled with work and business conversation.

Erestor and Glorfindel sharing their same bickering and arguing. The same paperwork-the departure of his beloved family had been a bit of a blow, but Erestor cushioned it well enough and the return of normal daily life made everything seem bearable and filled with promise.

Erestor for his part, spent his days, nights, evenings, mornings, every waking moment, steeped in worry and fear. He worried that Elrond was getting sick of him and that worry made him fear that Elrond was going to throw him away, give up on him. He knew he wouldn't blame the half-elf, that they truly loved each other on multiple levels-someone he just knew. But he couldn't stop the voices in his head. He couldn't stop the feeling that he shouldn't be putting someone that he loved through this.

All worries took this road and ended up in the same place. No matter how they started-Elrond was annoyed with him, Elrond thought he was stupid, Elrond thought he was hideous, Elrond was going to stop waiting for him to surrender his body, Elrond thought he was abusing Estel. Some of the darker fears ran the lines of total distrust That Elrond was using him because he was vulnerable and easy to use, that he would abandon the wait and take what he wanted.

Should the worst occur, Erestor knew he'd rather let Elrond have his way then lose him completely, but he lived in relative fear of that...no matter how horrible it was. Which of course started the guilt-what kind of man, elf, advisor, LOVER was he to actually even allow that thought into his head.

But there were moments of shining clarity, of goodness that let bits of the ice chip away. Estel, at the end of every lesson asked how his 'courting' was going. Erestor, relieved for this small amount of comfort would tell his little confidante everything he felt a little boy should know without giving away any of the details that he ought not to.

Glorfindel seemed as determined as ever not to be intimidated by him and in some small way that made him feel better. So much so, that fifteen days after he had first had his wonderful, warm, happy, dream filled night with Elrond he sought out the Seneschal's company.

The morning had proven to be a little hotter then everyone liked and so Elrond had cajoled a surprisingly pleasant Erestor into giving his assistants (and himself) the day off. Faced with a day of nothing stretching in front of him, a soft voice, born of the good dreams of the night before had pushed the councilor out the door and down towards the trees that hemmed the nearest training grounds.

He wasn't sure what exactly, he was doing, but he did it anyways. Walking slowly in the shade, his black robes already were a little too heavy and clinging then he would have liked, he watched the young cadets, sweating heavily, and panting for breath as Glorfindel and his lieutenant pushed them almost endlessly.

The lieutenant spotted him and lifted a brow "Councilor? Can we help you in some way?" he asked.

Erestor forced a small smile and shook his head, waving his hand he continued his walk in the woods. The lieutenant shrugged and turned back to the group he was teaching he gave another command, but Glorfindel smirked lightly.

"Perhaps the heat has pushed you from your office my friend?" he called lightly.

Erestor's heart flipped and the voices began to hear those words, but he shoved them down, turned on the ball of his foot and reared his chin. "Perhaps" he answered politely with a tiny shrug of one shoulder.

"I see. So you've come here to enjoy the shade" He said, eyes glistening madly with some sort of mischief.

Erestor's eyes narrowed as he saw that and took half a step back. "Indeed-does that disturb your activities?"

"Nay, it does not"

"Then I shall continue"

"Please...by all means do so" Glorfindel finished, turning back to his trainee's with a flourish of his sword, Erestor thought perhaps it was over.

As he took several steps away, he became aware of hidden snickers and throat clearing behind him, suddenly he heard running feet and turned swiftly to see what foolishness Glorfindel was attempting now.

The warrior held a bucket of water in his hands and was coming hard for him. "That ought to beat the heat, councilor" the lieutenant cried out with the same cruel laugh that all the warriors tended to have when they were plaguing him and Erestor closed his eyes, preparing for the onslaught hoping his journal would survive. But Glorfindel winked at him, turned around and threw the water all over his lieutenant who was within perfect range-having stepped forward to deliver his taunt.

The elf froze, then spluttered and let out a most un-warrior like yelp as the impact of the cold water hit him in full.

Erestor pressed his lips together, and they shook, then Glorfindel wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder's in jovial camaraderie and squeezed once. "I think that should definitely beat the heat" he said-and Erestor burst out laughing uncontrollably. A shocked look sent his way by Glorfindel threatened to silence him, but then a wide grin took the golden haired lord's lips. "You have an amazing laugh" he said, patted his back and picked up a handful of dirt to add to his lieutenant's circumstance.

Erestor smiling, and laughing quietly to himself, headed off to find some other place to escape the heat-wondering what exactly what kind of force was suddenly sending him the sunshine and warmth that he had never seen before.

The end of the three weeks had the two facing each other on Erestor's couch, they had abandoned their chess game in exchange for hardy debate and with that settled they had fallen into silence. Erestor wondering if this could be the night that he would be able to relax enough to let Elrond in-7 days...7 days since his last wound and he felt strong, and warm and he felt the fire in his heart, in his skin, in his blood. Elrond seemed to have replaced the sticky tar of late, the blackness, the ice...Elrond was slowly replacing it all. He wanted so badly to show him...but each time he thought he had the courage to try, he'd reach for his hand, or lean for a kiss and some unspoken, unseen force inside of him would pull him back.

It didn't have words, it didn't tell him that he was a horrible person and deserved nothing. It didn't tell him that he wasn't good enough for Elrond, that was there of course-but this...block, this inability was horrible...it was inexplicable. It was frustrating because Erestor just couldn't overcome it, and he certainly couldn't articulate it. Not without upsetting someone, of this he was fairly sure. But he wanted to. More then anything. He just didn't know how to.

Elrond watched Erestor's face, this look, this was the look that told him that his love was thinking of dark things, things that he didn't want Erestor to be thinking. He looked troubled, frustrated, confused, afraid. All the things Elrond did not like to see. He reached out and touched Erestor's cheek. "Do you want me to leave?" he asked quietly.

Erestor frowned and then heaved a sigh. "I think so...that discussion took some out of me" he said, preparing himself for the wave of disappointment on Elrond's face. It came, however restrained and Erestor felt a freezing jet up his spine.

"It should have, you won" Elrond said. He knew that he had revealed himself, that he had let it slip. But in truth he was starting to wonder if that wasn't a good thing. It was positively exhausting keeping all this inside and he felt that if he could just talk about it with Erestor, it would be a relief but he would never push. No matter how exhausting and he shook his head once to clear it of those thoughts as he stood up.

"Well, you came close" Erestor said, and flinched inwardly at the opposite of that statement-in fact, Elrond had been farther from him then he ever had been before. They hadn't shared a single kiss that night, a strange situation to say the least.

"Indeed" he agreed as they walked to the door. "Thank you, for your company as always, Erestor...good night" the half-elf said, contemplating, he smiled warmly, squeezed his arm and then left, not thinking he was able to endure another good bye kiss, to return to his cold room and cold bed...not when he was already this wound up.

"Good night" Erestor returned, red lights flaring in his head, some demonic force made up of the cold itself swept through his mind and body and he froze in seconds, tar cracked and broke the surface as he closed the door, and as he turned to the inside of his apartment he found everything becoming viciously clear, sharp and highly detailed. As his vision sharpened like this he weaved, almost hitting the ground.

His mind jumped back to that fifteenth day, that wonderful day and the so close night that had followed. That had been their most intimate night since that first one, he'd worn an almost see through shirt...and then let Elrond take it off. He took Elrond's robes and shirt off, they'd enjoyed their warm flesh. Warmth. He knew. With Elrond gone. There was one thing that would bring warmth. Teach him to take that warmth from Elrond-what kind of disgusting creature was he to put Elrond through this. To torment him endlessly like this. How horrible was he to tease him, what a wanton disgusting tease of a whore.

Mind reeling with this revelation, how horribly he was treating the man he felt he loved he staggered to his bathroom, selected a tool, any tool would do at this time and laid the blade against his arm, _slash, slash, slash_ the stinging shot through him and he looked down from far away, watching the blood drip down, he reached out and pried the wounds open up a little bit more, he smeared blood from them and wiped it on his face. He peered in the mirror and mechanically began to rub it all over his white skin. At some point, carving the words _Must hide. Whore. Tease. _Into his arm and right leg. He was shaking with shock, blood loss and cold when he finally sunk to the floor. Blood smeared on his hands, arms, legs, all over his face, neck, chest, hips...everywhere. He sunk to the floor, letting no comforting tears fall he managed one more cut before he passed out.

Several hours later, he came too, glancing around he remembered it all and shame and guilt set in. He leapt to his feet looking at his mirror he saw what all he had done, some of the few memories he had leaping to the fore and he winced sharply as the ones he couldn't remember faded out, teasing him with the possibility of more disgrace.

He looked at his bloody floor, his bloody bathtub, his bloody clothes, hands and face, and lifted his head to the sky, he opened his mouth to scream. But let his head drop. No. If anyone came here they would only be frightened. He turned to his bath and thought of drawing the cold water, no warm soaps and oils for him, no no this deserved an icy cold help.

He needed cold, cold would help...but he didn't want cold anymore, he wanted it to be different. Maybe if this were different he would be different. Maybe...maybe...he turned on his heel and fled from the room, wrapped in his outdoor cloak-he hoped his journey would be fast...that he would help. Finally arriving, he took a deep breath, and knocked on the door, hoping against hope that he wouldn't take one look at his true self and throw him from his life.


	11. Revelation

**Hey everyone, I'm...sort of back. I got a couple of messages/reviews recently about this guy right here and with a little bit of luck, a great deal of hope, and some tolerance from you folks I'm going to give it a try. I got hit with some writer's block and then just...stopped writing for a very long time altogether. So this chapter might not swing with the others as well (also thanks so much for no one reaming me about all those spelling errors!) but once I get a few chapters out the plot might take me over again and write itself like it used to. Thanks a billion, lots of love-keep yourselves safe and remember , Tolkien owns it...not me. Enjoy.**

The door swung open and Erestor looked up at the tall blonde staring down at him, bleary eyed and confused. "...Erestor?" he spoke the word slowly, and brokenly, as if he couldn't get his mind around the sight that confronted him at this hour of the night.

"Help...me" the darkling croaked, tears welling in his eyes anew as he suddenly contemplated the horror of the sight he must have appeared to be.

"what happened?" Glorfindel asked, widening his eyes to try and wake himself up, convinced his reeling mind was inventing this bizarre event as some sort of twisted nightmare he would eventually wake from.

"Please...I..let...please" he finished. For the brunette his world was both far away and in sharper focus. Everything seemed hot, and visceral and real. He could make out every individual feature on Glorfindel's sleepy face, the way his hair was touseled from where he had slept on it. His strong, large hands calloused and worn with his chosen career seemed extra tanned, his hair extra gold. But there was a feeling of being separate from the world. Erestor was seeing it, but not in it.

"of course, yes please-come in, come in" Glorfindel said waving him in, stepping aside. The way that Erestor scuttled into his rooms made him draw his brows in concern. Fully awake now he couldn't help but feel that Erestor was mimicking some kind of creature. Hidden in the burrows of his cloak and carefully keeping his face and naked limbs out of view. The dark haired elf was bent over at the waist and visibly shaking from hair to toe.

"Erestor what on..." Glorfindel began but broke off with a horrified gasp as Erestor dropped the cloak and suddenly stood to his full height-naked and...destroyed.

The blonde couldn't tell what was wound and what was smeared blood-he hadn't seen such gore in a very long time. Anger burned immediately in his mind and he reared his chin and pulled his hair quickly into a tail at the sight. "Who has done this thing to you?"

Erestor's mouth twisted with grief and agony and he opened his mouth to scream, then threw himself to his knees, grabbing his hair with both hands he tugged and ripped his mouth open in the silent screams. He took gasping breaths and just siezed wildly on the floor for several seconds.

Glorfindel fell to his knees and grabbed at his wrists, prying him apart he pulled the other elf and turned him around, holding him fast with his arms around his chest he used brute strength to keep the wild creature still. "Who did this?" he asked.

Erestor drew in a long breath finally and went limp, after a very long moment he finally managed to speak in a voice twisted with blackness and ire "Me"

The seneschal was quiet for a few moments. "You did this...to yourself?" he asked, holding him even tighter as Erestor tried to pull away.

"Yes" came the exhausted reply.

"Why?" returned the obvious question.

"I...I failed him. I'm failing him." Erestor began and his voice broke and he began to sob and wail freely.

"Ok, ok" Glorfindel let him slump forward into a heap, curling into a ball like a slain elf he watched his long-time friend release what seemed to be years of violent emotions.

He rubbed his back and stroked his blood soaked hair, just letting him release the emotions.

After what seemed like forever Erestor's sobs petered out to dry sniffles and he removed his hands from his face, laying his overheated flesh against the bare stone of Glorfindel's inner threshold. "I want to die" he whispered.

Glorfindel licked his lips and gulped quietly. He opened his mouth to reply but could only manage to lick his lips again. "I wish you wouldn't" he managed plainly.

Erestor couldn't even summon the strength to be derisive. "He's going to leave me" he whispered quietly.

"Your lover?" Glorfindel prompted.

This time the darkling managed a snort. "Would be...if only I could gather the strength to be one" he managed, clawing his fingers against the floor.

Glorfindel moved to push his hair out of his face and stopped seeing the smeared blood on his palms. "How about I draw a bath and you can tell me all about it while you wash and cleanse yourself?" he said.

Erestor snorted again but forced himself numbly to a sitting position. "I suppose that would be alright" he whispered, suddenly devoid of strength and emotion.

Glorfindel stood and offered him a hand, but Erestor just looked at it blankly. "Come on" the taller elf insisted pulling him to his feet, he caught the naked elf as he stumbled and picked him up, sitting him in a chair and wrapping his cloak around him. He then called for hot water and demanded with all his sharp authority that it be kept as quickly and as discreetly as possible. Though the entire time it was being done Erestor was so stone silent and dark in the corner no one even would have thought to notice him.

And so it was that Glorfindel got Erestor into the cleansing absolution and stood by the side as Erestor carefully began to clean himself. Taking a quiet sort of delight-as he always did- in the fact that the water quickly turned a rusty brown.

The warrior's trained eyes caught every vicious wound slashed across his friend's body, reading the words he's slashed there, taking into account the hundreds of scars, the bare batch on his shoulder and his thin stature. "Do you ever eat?" he asked off-hand.

Erestor didn't look up and continued to clean the blood, his face and his hair now completely clean, his arms having stopped bleeding were only stained from the red-brown water. "Yes. You've seen me eat" he pointed out dryly.

"Not nearly enough apparently" Glorfindel said as Erestor gracefully lifted his legs and began to wash the dried blood and the wounds from there.

"It works when I cannot cut" the darkling replied in the same off-hand tone as the questions.

"OK. Let's start there" Glorfindel said, pulling out an indulgent towel and laying it across the countertop.

"where?" Erestor asked, repeating the process with the other leg and standing up to let the water rinse off him. Glorfindel was very much struck that if Erestor were to put on one of his overly large robes no one would be able to even begin to see the damage. He was flawless in appearance and broken in reality. The blonde pursed his lips.

"You call it 'cutting' but what demon are -you- trying to slay in the process? We attack with knives to defend ourselves against a violent and overwhelming foe. What are you trying to kill?" he asked insightfully as Erestor wrapped the towel around his slender body.

Erestor looked at him and narrowed his eyes "why put it that way?" he asked, genuine curiosity on his face.

"Because if I am angry at someone or something, I do not lash with a weapon. I lash with my fists. As you pulled at your hair when you arrived-that's anger. This is...homicide of ones own self. So I ask again. What are you trying to exact from your flesh?" Glorfindel asked as he moved to his sitting room and then into an adjoining room.

Erestor followed him into his sitting room and bit down on his bottom lip "that is only for him to know" he replied, tiredly. Wiping his eyes he looked up and couldn't help but smile in appreciation as Glorfindel offered one of his own rarely used stately robes. The smaller elf wrapped it tightly around his frame and tied the sash.

"Thank-you" he whispered.

"Who's him?" Glorfindel asked as he sat on his couch opposite his friend.

Erestor bit down on his bottom lip and gulped. "I can't tell"

"You come to my room in the middle of the night cut to ribbons and covered in blood because you are being a teasisng whore to a man whom you cannot name?" he said, lifting both golden brows, unable to achieve the one brow query both dark haired elves seemed to manage so easily.

Erestor licked his lips and nodded his head yes. "That is indeed correct" he said matter of factly, mirroring his expression by lifting only his right brow.

"Then I have no choice" Glorfindel said and rose before Erestor could stop him he swept from the room.

"Glorfin..." he broke off and his brows knit together. He wrapped his arms tightly around his body, his eyes darting this way and that as he began to be afraid. Furious with himself for allowing this situation to unfold he gulped thickly and forced himself to a standing position staring out of Glorfindel's window which overlooked the battlefield he took a deep breath and forced it out through his nostrils as he tried to gain control over his wildly out of control mind and try to understand why he had done this, what Glorfindel was doing and what it would mean to him now that he had a grown elf knowing and nnot just a little boy.

Erestor had cause to turn from his musings as he heard Glorfindel's voice in the hallway, talking to someone and horror thrummed in the pit of the darkling's stomach as he discerned the words. "...cut to pieces and bleeding...barely fed...something is wrong and I couldn't help him. He won't tell me-I think numbers is the best way to tackle this problem"

Erestor's heart dropped and his worst, most embarassing fears were confirmed, as a tousled and sleep deprived Elrond turned the corner appearing in the doorway.


	12. Diagnosis?

**I guess I was write...get it, write? Haha. Ok. Tolkien owns it, I'm borrowing them for a lark. Enjoy.**

Erestor took in a sharp breath and held it, his brown eyes going wide. Elrond's grey eyes, wide awake now snapped on him and his mouth pressed together, anger sparking deep within his soul. "why?" Elrond demanded, frozen in the doorway.

Erestor gulped and shook his head, completely unable to speak, horrified he looked imploringly at Glorfindel who crossed his arms powerfully over his bare chest and stared right back at his friend.

"Why?" Elrond shouted, hands fisting at his sides.

Erestor opened his mouth and then closed it again, pressing his lips together. Elrond took his own breath and lowered his face to the ground.

"Elrond" Erestor spoke, and when Elrond raised his head again, crystalline tears fell from his eyes-as rain began to fall outside.

"I love you. With every fibre of my being...and..." he broke off and covered his face with his hands.

Glorfindel's mouth fell open and he blinked rapidly. "Oh..wha.." he broke off and shook his head.

"I love you Erestor. Why can't you let me in? I could have helped you?" he whispered and gulped past his tears, the rain intensified out the window.

"You've broken my heart Erestor." he whispered and crossed his arms over his chest and then looked him in the eyes.

Erestor gulped. "I.."

"don't say you're sorry. I'm sick of hearing it" Elrond whispered, unable to tear his broken-hearted gaze away.

"What..."

"Can you do? I don't know. I've never asked you to stop this torture..I've never forced you to do anything...but...you're hurt so badly...and it hurts...so m uch" his voice was breaking and he couldn't keep it strong anymore. "that you couldn't come to me. To tell me..." he whispered.

Erestor crept closer as Glorfindel laid a hand on his lord's shoulder. "I thought..."

"I know you did" Elrond said and he cleared his throat. "But it isn't true, I would never think those things about you. Only you think those things about you" he said, his voice gaining strength as the rain continued to pound outside.

"I won't ask what I can do." Erestor said.

"Good." Elrond looked up at him and spread his hands out questioningly, suddenly at a loss for words, a compassionate look came over his face as he pulled them back to place against his chest, letting his grey eyes slide shut he took a deep breath and let it out through his nose.

With all the speed of the warrior he used to be the tall elf Lord snatched one of Glorfindel's ever ready knives from the table and slashed himself deeply on his left forearm, blood immediately sprung forth and fllowed down his darker skin and he reared his chin with all the pride and elegance of the creature he was.

"Elrond" Glorfindel and Erestor said together, both in different kinds of shock.

He said nothing in response and laid the knife down carefully. "Now I know." he said after a very long moment.

Silence reigned in the room and no one knew what to say or do. Erestor licked his lips, his eyes were wide and sharp and gleaming. He crept forward and grabbed Elrond's wrist, leaning forward he licked along the edge of the bleeding wound.

Glorfindel wrinkled his nose in complete disgust and confusion ."What..." he began but Elrond shook his head, prompting him to silence.

"You're not exactly Erestor anymore, are you?" he spoke with calm authority and careful judgement..

Erestor gasped and looked up at him, his eyes wide his mouth open, blood gleaming on his lips. "No...and Yes" he whispered in return.

"You are the darkness within him that tells him he is worthless. That he is otherwordly, unreal, cowardly, disgusting. You compell him to these dark and unspeakable acts so that he feels as if he has paid for the darkness within him. Even now you drink my blood because you know that Erestor wants me to be within him. Since he wants my soul entwined with his you have no choice but to voice that desire as well. But of course to allow Erestor to love, to make love, to be in love you twist it, you make it tainted. So that he will realize how unworthy he truly is-according to you" Elrond's voice was laced with something dark and sure, his voice grew in thick tone and intensity as he spoke. His skin paled a l ittle as his blood continued to flow, though thankfully at a slower rate.

Erestor stood there, his mouth hanging open, Elrond's blood flowing between his fingers.

"What?" Glorfindel asked.

"Hush" Elrond prompted sharply then turned his eyes back to Erestor. "Well?" he asked, clicking his fingers sharply, causing blood to spray across Erestor's untouched pale face.

"How...did you come to this? How can you so neatly and concisely tell me what I am?" he asked in that queer, angry, chiding voice that Elrond has borne witness to twice before. That animal that stared at him through his hair and scuttled about.

"I am not only lover, but friend, healer, Lord and Loremaster. I have seen darkness of the darkest kind, I can recognize it's taint. You are not Erestor, but not-not Erestor. You are the broken part of him that cannot allow him to exist because of how horrible he believes he is. He cannot be a broken elf all the time, no no, he has duties you push him to exhaustion to complete. So he rent his mind in two. The darkness took it's own actions and voice, and the capable counselor we see each day is the other half. But there's a third voice. A voice laid dorment until now. That is Erestor as lover. I have seen it. I have tasted it. I have touched it and felt it. I have seen and felt his flesh go from cold to warm beneath me. His hair goes from barrier to handhold, his robes go from safe hiding place to teasing conclave. I have felt it and you cannot control it." Elrond broke off taking in another deep breath, cupping Erestor's cheeks one in each hand as he knelt on the floor breathing hard.

"You have no control over this. And that frightens you. So you make up these lies. Telling him he is a whore, unworthy, whatever else you've carved into his flesh. But that voice, friend and lover grows ever stronger in opposition to you. Erestor wages a war each and every day, and you. Will. Not. Win" Elrond breathe in his face, getting closer to him with each word.

"No. I...I have to..UNWORTHY" Erestor cried out and threw himself backwards.

Glorfindel, who had up until then stood there with his mouth open reared his chin. "Erestor is a good elf, he can return to us as he should be. I have seen smiles play about his lips and laughter tease his throat. You release him immediately or I will plague your life with difficulties" He said laying a hand on his shoulder.

Erestor looked up at them, a flutter flickered in his eyes and then he stood up, shaking from top to toe, looking completely confused. "Elrond...I'm..."

Elrond placed two warm fingers against his dry lips. "Don't say it Erestor. I have come to find what is wrong, and I will work to the end of my days to fix it. I understand now...I understand everything" he said, wiping the blood away as he spoke.

Erestor took a deep breath and gulped thickly "My mind...you how?" showing the scholar in him he reached out and touched a strand of Elron'd dark hair. "How can you define it so?"

Elrond kissed his forehead soundly and pulled him to his feet, ignoring the trickles of his own blood. "I only realized it just now" he said with a warm smile against his flesh.

Glorfindel released a sigh of relief as the tension was easing in the room. "So what do we do?"

Elrond shrugged "I'm not sure" he said and sighed slightly.

Erestor shook his head "Perhaps there is no solution to be sought this eve. Perhaps...having defined the problem we can return to our slumbers and begin again tomorrow" he suggested, spreading his hands out imploringly.

"I agree with that notion-but let me tie off your wound first" Glorfindel said, rummaging nearby for the supplies he kept for similar reasons.

Elrond managed a tired laugh and held out his arm while Glorfindel tidied the wound and tied it up. When it was finished he stood up and clapped Glorfindel on the shoulder. "You're a wise and capable elf and I thank you for your assistance and silence in regards to this matter."

The blonde smiled back "Of course My Lord. You are both my friends, and I would not break confidence on either matter unless given permission to do so" he said with friendly deference and a small bow.

Erestor patted his friend's arm as he walked by, clutching the larger robes about his form as Elrond nodded once following him out.

"Elrond?" Erestor asked as they walked.

The other looked at him "Do you want to be alone?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Not really, my lover...I've been too long alone as it is" he said, leaning over to dust a kiss on the top of his dark haired head as they headed back to the cooridor that held Elrond's rooms.


End file.
